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Utopia Talk / Movie Talk / Nintendementia Reviews II
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 08 18:06:21
New Review Up:

Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972) - Buncha Spanish Templars return from the crusades after findin' Satan an start practicin' dat voodoo dat dey do til the Pope gets P.O.'d an blows up their whole congregation with a well placed Holy Nova. Unfortunately, Satan gave 'em all a 1up before the blast went off an now they rise from the grave every night to tap the jugulars of idiots that trespass on their Grim Reaper tailgate parties.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 14 18:12:55
New Review Up:

Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961) - Secret Agent Lames Bond hooks up with a buncha Cubans who backed the wrong horse during the revolution an some American gangsters to try an make off with the Cuban treasury. Unfortunately, every time they stop the boat the Cookie Monster shows up, whacked out on frozen cookie dough an starts goin' to town like Kirstie Alley in a Chips Ahoy factory. It's movies like this that make it pretty clear Roger Corman definitely drew from his own experiences when he made The Trip in 1967.

http://nintendementia.com/
Laura Palmer
Member
Tue Feb 18 13:28:05
You need to be more consistent with your apostrophes and just type the damn "d" in "and".
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:09:16
I think that's Joe Bob Briggs jargon :D
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:11:57
or not "jargon," but that word that's like "dialect" except it refers to speech mannerisms.. I can't even find it on google
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:13:28
oh, colloquialism maybe
Laura Palmer
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:19:27
Shouldn't it at least be "an'"..

Also...Kristie Alley jokes...Im not saying Alley isn't fat, just that she isn't relevant.
Laura Palmer
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:21:02
Gawd I need a big project to edit for a shitty class. Maybe I could use your reviews CC...but you don't really have a consistent style..would probably be too much work.
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Feb 18 15:40:57
Just review Community? :p
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Feb 18 16:34:53
that might not make sense. What's this project?
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Tue Feb 18 19:40:54
The correct way to type it, if one were so inclined, would be to make it 'an. I'm just not inclined.

The reason I leave those without the apostrophe is because they actually make a word when it's missing. Writing like a hick that doesn't know the first thing about English is part of the gimmick. Without, ya know, making it deliberately unreadable.

Similar to Briggs, though I don't think he ever used that specific example of dropping the "d" from and.

And... I may not be the best person to try convincing that persons places and things which are not current aren't relevant. She's not in the news much of late, granted. But neither will many of the people I reference years after the review was completed.
Tragically Hip
Member
Thu Feb 20 15:12:08
I haven' been keeping up with Community. It got too popular, people like it a bit too much. Makes me suspicious.

Big into the Thick of It at the moment. Very funny. And Orange is the New Black...which is just standard Kohen fare...predictable, overly dramatic, but inherently watchable...on account of it being a soap opera targeted at more than just housewives.
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Feb 21 03:10:53
I have that same issue..

Hulu has The Thick of It, will have to watch. Might have to stream Orange from somewhere .. House of Cards seems pretty good; I saw a few episodes of that at a friend's. And soon Portlandia is starting again.. but I'm pretty much just watching Daily/Colbert, The Soup, and Walking Dead atm. Also I watch all of EF's movies ;D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 21 15:48:35
Oh God, I'm sorry.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 21 16:02:01
New Review Up:

Equinox (1970) - Buncha teenagers go out to meet up with this old coot that looks like Abe Vigoda at his cabin in the woods an end up gettin' ambushed by Marshall Applewhite an coerced into takin' the Necronomicon offa his hands til this ranger with eyebrows bushier'n an East German vagina keeps showin' up an eventually starts summonin' all kinda stop motion demons to reclaim the book for 'im so Satan's librarian won't stick 'im with late fees.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Feb 21 17:41:56
lol
Laura Palmer
Member
Sat Feb 22 12:14:05
Yeah, I have no doubt that House of Cards is good, but not the good I want. Every episode ends on a cliff hanger that keeps you coming back...I get really tired of that, I think shows need less momentum at the moment...I don't know...Everything sucks.
Laura Palmer
Member
Sat Feb 22 12:14:26
Oh, Workaholics....I really like that show.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Mar 01 19:09:02
New Review Up:

Ghoulies II (1988) - Little glopola monsters stow away in a movin' truck painted to resemble an Insane Clown Posse album cover an inadvertently run away to join the circus. Then all these punk kids start trespassin' in their spook house an they get P.O.'d an have to start servin' eviction notices an unleashin' this projectile varmint vomit that causes people to fuze together like ugly on Jan Brewer. I've named the glopola monsters Tor, Rodan, Bigglesworth, Nugent, an Smiley, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 07 15:00:22
New Review Up:

The Creeper (1977) - Buncha doctors get tired of hangin' out at the country club an go on a nature retreat instead, only they spend most of the trip retreatin' from this P.O.'d hillbilly General Eisenglower who never got over the fact that the army medics botched his brain surgery back in dubya dubya eye eye an turned 'im into Gary Busey. The grandaddy of the slasher-in-the-woods sub-genre, made by Canadians. Which I totally support, cause if anybody knows about the woods it's them.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Mar 22 18:28:44
Rewrite completed:

Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper (1980) - Lunatic Italian guy who looks like somebody lit his forehead on fire an had to beat the flames out with a cheese grater goes cannibal an runs around a Greek island turnin' everybody into minestrone. Featuring the first ever on screen emergency cannibal V-section and the *original* get in mah bellay baby sequence. 40% for the first hour, 75% for the last half hour, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 28 20:35:20
New Review Up:

Dogs (1976) - The original Bloodhound Gang gets P.O.'d after bein' exposed to bell bottoms an leisure suits for too long an start usin' all the fightin' techniques imparted unto them by one Michael Vick to chew the spleens outta their masters an take over southern California. Fuck the police! Get Cesar Millan down here, STAT!

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Apr 06 15:23:24
New Review Up:

Phantasm (1979) - Inter-dimensional alien comes to Earth by passin' through a set of tuning forks so he can re-animate corpses an smash 'em down into an army of P.O.'d Danny Devitos dressed in Catholic monk robes an UPS 'em back to Dimension X to help turn the tide against Krang's army of Rock Soldiers. Second greatest movie ever made, an THE greatest to feature flyin' gear shifter knobs that drill Holland tunnels into people's faces. Check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Apr 10 20:17:16
New Review Up:

White Zombie (1932) - Weaselly little twerp hires Bela Lugosi to slip his secret crush some super charged roofies so everybody'll think she's deader'n the eyes on a former child star an stash 'er in the Cryptkeeper's unliving room. Then he an Bela haul 'er outta there an have the zombie couriers ZPS 'er off to the weasel's castle so he can play house with his proto-Stepford Wife. Still a better love story than Twilight, an still less dangerous than having Match.com set you up with a date.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Apr 19 20:18:24
New Review Up:

The Being (1983) - Glopola monster emerges from the nuclear waste dump in Boise an goes all Contamityville Horror on a buncha Idaho Speds that can never seem to get it together long enough to assemble a mop militia to deal with it cause they're too busy bustin' Mexicans for fishin' without a permit an tryin' to keep the story contained so the potato futures won't hit the toilet.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Apr 28 19:43:58
New Review Up:

The Food of the Gods (1976) - Naturally occurin' Cream of Wheat starts burpin' up outta the ground out in deepest darkest Canada, only when Ma Barker starts feedin' it to the animals they swell up like Chris Christie after his fifth trip through the Golden Corral buffet line an start turnin' everybody into Hungry Man dinners. Big angry fauna includes; maggots like the one Geena Davis births in the remake of The Fly, Chinese hornets the size of Robert Z'Dar's face, R.O.U.S.es, and yes, the world's biggest cock. Somewhere, H.G. Wells is tryin' to bust outta his coffin an strangle the bejezus outta Bert I. Gordon, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 10 12:27:33
New Review Up:

Don't Look in the Basement (1973) - A group of looney tunes out in the quack shack accidentally violate doctor/patient mortality with a splittin' maul an so the head nurse has to cover it up so no Earth destroyin' paradoxes come into existence when the cops try figurin' out where to send a crazy person that's already in a sanitarium. Insanes an the Lamebrain include: Sergeant Slobber, Jennifer "Pugnacious" D., The Giggly Wiggly, Aussie Ann Harriet, Judge Chopner, Mrs. Curingham, Allyson "Obsessive Humpulsive Disorder" King, an Sam "Bubba Gump." Check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 17 20:28:12
New Review Up:

Dark Heritage (1989) - Buncha introverted, born on the bayou rednecks take up the "why go to the mall when you can go down the hall?" philosophy with regards to datin' an end up literally goin' apeshit as generations pass. Eventually, this bed-headed journalist who looks like George Lucas after smokin' three pounds of Arkansas Polio Weed gets sent out to investigate the primate exhibit, resultin' in some serious charbroiled Morlock fu. Alleged film is alleged to be based on an H. P. Lovecraft short story, but mostly it's just short on ambition, talent, coherency, an personal hygiene. Check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 24 14:06:03
New Review Up:

Puppet Master (1989) - World's tiniest terror cell launches operation Murdering Spreedom on a buncha psychic hotel guests that clearly aren't real good at their chosen profession. This's precisely why it's so important to get a tune up on your Recipital Lobe every 50,000 hours. Otherwise, you end up missin' all the warnin' signs of an impendin' marionette massacre an your professors from Voodoo U end up showin' up to your funeral an standin' around shakin' their heads regrettin' not bumpin' you down to Remedial Pseudoscience like they should've.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 31 17:26:45
New Review Up:

The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - Sheriff Joe Arpayote enlists the help of the Hell's Choir Boys to help 'im track down Tila Tehgila after she goes on Maury Povich an finds out that Strom Thurmond was *not* her real father, leadin' to an inevitable trampage through rural Texas that destroys over a hundred acres of endangered Jackolope habitat an that leaves hardly any cattle left for the space aliens to mutilate. Best giant monster flick ever to feature a gratuitous ukelele solo.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jun 08 15:43:49
New Review Up:

Barracuda (1978) - Dusty Rhodes flushes the American Dream down the crapper an out into the ocean along with some chemicals that turn all the fish into remorseless eatin' machines who go all slaughtah undah de watah anytime somebody hits the surf to catch crabs. Only it's even worse than that, an you never would believe where those Keebler sushis come from.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jun 14 13:00:00
New Review Up:

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) - Pickin' up right where Part 3 leaves off with Jason layin' face down in the straw like a racehorse that mistook the whiskey still for his water trough, he ends up gettin' hauled off to Crystal Lake general where the service is so pitiful he has to kill Sergeant Fackler from Police Academy an check 'imself out so he can hitchhike back to the woods an carve some more no trespassin' signs into people's jugulars.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jun 20 20:50:31
New Review Up:

The Vampire Bat (1933) - Lionel Atwill sends out this big dumb goof from the local agricultural college to scoop up unconscious women an bring 'em back to his lab so he can drain alla their blood into a huge water bong an keep this heart that looks like it got shotgunned an vacuum-packed alive in a fish tank. Apparently, hostin' a blood drive just didn't make the kinda rivetin' cinematic experience they were lookin' for.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jun 28 20:12:45
New Review Up:

The Intruder Within (1981) - Sea goin' vessel out in the Antarctic that's up on blocks waitin' for its parts to come in goes all Moria dwarves an digs too deeply lookin' for oil an unleashes a glopola monster that lays deep sea goat heads which hatch into poorman's H.R. Giger creatures. Naturally, it's up to Ann Coulter an Tom Skeritt's non actors union equivalent to save mankind, an the ABC network's attorney's to fend off lawsuits from Ridley Scott.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 01:23:44
Your Vampire Bat description reminded me off that Stephen King movie, "Graveyard Shift" (1990)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6u4z-OqgSM

And a couple notable people in the cast!
- Andrew Divoff from Wishmaster
- Brad Dourif from Alien: Ressurection

meow I wanna watch -everything-! ;p
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 01:24:03
*reminded me [of] that
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jun 29 13:27:47
Oh I've seen Graveyard Shift, I like it a lot, though many people don't. The guy who played Brogan in it was actually in the movie I just reviewed, The Intruder Within.

Brad Dourif is going to be better known as the voice of Chucky from the Child's Play movies. But a lot of other things as well; Wormtongue from the Lord of the Rings movies, and Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, for the more normal people. More horror titles than I'd care to list, he's one of my favorite actors.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 15:08:59
Yeah! He's cools. I like him in LOTR but I always think of him first for Alien, just because of that scene where he was like, "You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2oVCpxqquo
.. and then he was eaten ;p
but yeah, even in Star Trek Voyager he got to play a weirdo — he'd be like a hidden horror staple, like Clint Howard but much cooler :p
didn't realize he was Chucky, though!
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jun 29 20:24:19
And the guy that Chris Sarandon kills in the toy store before he hops into the doll.

Yeah I've seen Alien: Resurrection, the CG was really painful. He's done enough horror stuff that I don't list his relevant resume in my reviews, as I kinda assume anybody reading them has a good idea of who he is.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 20:58:28
True! He's a gem whose catalog should be issued to horror fans :D

Resurrection did enough puppet work that it worked for me, though the underwater scene and the finale were pretty obvious CGI, so yeah, that wasn't fun. Still, directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amélie, City of Lost Children, Micmacs) was good, so I give passes :p
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jun 29 21:38:59
I don't hate Resurrection the way many people do, though I'm surprised that its managed a 6.3 on the IMDB. I tend to rate things on a bell curve, so a movie has to be *really* good to get a 100, and it has to be *really* bad to get a 1. I seldom review a movie that manages a 7 on the IMDB, and I'd say more than half of everything I've done was a 5 or less.

Ron Perlman goes a long way towards keeping Resurrection out of the toilet, too. He's another one of my favorites. Plus Nick Tortelli from Cheers as the General, lol
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 22:46:21
that scale seems fair :P

Yes! Perlman ftw! :D
Weaver's and Ryder's conversations/parts were very cool in that too. Sci-fi feminism lives lightyears ahead of U.S. misandry-feminism, and they showed it again in Resurrection.

Oh no! D:
Just looked on Weaver's imdb.. apparently there will be Avatar 2-4 D:
/wrists?
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jun 29 23:29:05
Avatar's a major cash cow. I have zero interest in ever seeing it, but I'll give it this; it's not a remake, its as original as you're going to see at this point in the game, and people seem to like it.

An hey, if you wanna talk feminism, the horror genre as a whole has been way ahead of the game for over thirty years. Think about it, what gender is the person who finally outsmarts the slasher and runs a farm implement through 'em?
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jun 29 23:59:19
Exactly! :D
That's a big part of why I love the genre so much. Mainstream movies like "Mona Lisa Smile" or whatever have these watered-down approaches to feminism where a character can be excused for huge flaws because the message was basically made for stupid masses, but a lot of horror films portray individualist-feminism, which shows individuals actually accomplishing things not because of some constructed gender identity but because **they can do it**. They show people who don't even play into the gender-performance game, because they've gained -functional- capital instead of just passive expectations/entitlements. Really big part of why I loved Dredd and the new "The Thing" so much — though I suspect you might not like that The Thing was remade ;p
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Jun 30 19:35:10
I've got the 2011 version of The Thing, haven't watched it yet. I had the idea that it was more of a prequel than a remake. Could be wrong, of course. I don't begrudge studios nearly as much for sequels as I do remakes. Can pretty well rule out the idea that it'll surpass the original, because the original is probably in my top 10 list. But also because the special effects on the original are so good that the first CG effect will result in a terrible belly bomb in that pivotal department.

Horror has more than its share of stupid characters of both genders, but the one that finally gets their shit together and takes out the threat is almost invariably female. People have an easier time identifying with a female lead than a male in horror movies, for whatever reason. Look at A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2, for instance. It's not a *bad* movie, but it ranks below nearly every other entry in the series, and I think the reason is because of the male protagonist.
Cherub Cow
Member
Wed Jul 02 00:18:20
"I had the idea that it was more of a prequel than a remake."

It was, yeah. And they used a lot of normal gore, but they also used CGI, sadly :/
Still good though! :p

Haven't really thought about that with horror movies. I was going to mention Riddick or Event Horizon, but of the -slasher- horror genre that really seems to be true a lot.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jul 11 17:03:41
New Review Up:

C.H.U.D. (1984) - Hobos livin' under New York City start splashin' around in toxic waste barrels like Melvin Junko an get turned into flesh eatin' cans of Dinty Moore stew that got left out on the patio for about 12 years an the only thing standin' between them an the mass consumption of NYC's hooker an drug pusher population is half the adult cast of Home Alone. Greatest sewer monster epic since Alligator, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 17 00:23:21
New Review Up:

Funeral Home (1980) - Teenage granddaughter moves out to Amish country to help Granny Smith turn 'er funeral parlor into a bed an breakfast til all the guests start disappearin' quicker'n Paul Ryan after a town hall meetin' in Detroit. All the while she keeps hearin' Granny rantin' an ravin' at somebody in the cellar like she's done Ariel Castro'd somebody to fill the emotional void left by not bein' able to yell at 'er husband after he up an cashed in his corpse handlin' pension an absconded with some real nasty broad who evidently gets turned on by testicles that're more wrinkly than a Shar-Pei puppy. Film moved here from Canada an they think it's slow, eh, but check it out anyhow.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 26 14:15:31
New Review Up:

Gargoyles (1972) - Anthropologist an his daughter stop off at this old desert rat's spring loaded tourist trap where he shows 'em the Jersey Devil skeleton he's got hangin' in his closet til an army of Bat Boys show up an torch the place like an abortion clinic in Rexburg, Idaho, only the guy escapes with the skull an the goddamned Batmen get real P.O.'d an hafta go make like Operation Repo to reclaim it. Though I think technically this movie's closer to reality than Operation Repo. Check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Aug 03 19:41:45
New Review Up:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) - Dennis Hopper an Caroline Williams track the sun dried potatoes that sawed up Dennis' nephew an traumatized his niece so bad that she had to be sent off to the quack shack to their B-B-Q renderin' plant headquarters beneath the 'Merica Land amusement park in south Texas so he can buzzsaw the creepolas into a soggy pile of Stihletto Peels. Line up for your Poulanoscopy exams, this one's got scarier teeth than Gary Busey.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Wed Aug 20 20:11:33
New Review Up:

She Beast (1966) - Hagatha Crispy gets nailed to this commercial Baptisizer an drowned like a bag fulla ugly kittens by the citizenry of Boobrash, Transylvania. Only the head witch plunger ends up Klaatu Barada Necktiein' the magic words like Bruce Campbell an the witch rises from the dead a few centuries later where the only thing standin' between 'er an reopenin' 'er ancestral child bakery are Barb Steele's husband an this real old guy that looks like Mark Twain. Best joint British/Italian effort ever to feature a climax sequence worthy of Jack Benny.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Aug 28 19:25:57
New Review Up:

Motel Hell (1980) - Rory Calhoun an Beulah Balbricker team up to gimp the rides of highway passersby an chop 'em up into Jimmy Dean Smoked Sausages an sell their Leperidge Farms meat samplers to the local rubes. But not before an extended period of hickory curin' out in their bumpkin patch where they keep 'em buried up to their necks an make 'em eat Miracle Grow through a funnel til they're good an succulent. Proudly featuring the only cinematic effort ever to successfully silence Cliff Clavin, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Sep 05 20:28:13
New Review Up:

Evil Clutch (1988) - Cranky Italian witch with a big gnarly claw growin' out of 'er hoo-ha lures unsuspectin' male suitors into Creedence Guilgud's house so she can whip out 'er beaver cleaver an decockpitate 'em til they can sing like Bruno Mars. Only she hadn't counted on the Red Baron comin' to the rescue of 'er latest victims an he's still real P.O.'d about the Italians goin' quietly into the night back in WWII. Greatest Italian Troma movie ever to feature a chainsaw that mutilates while not running.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Wed Sep 17 20:02:51
New Review Up:

The Monster Walks (1932) - Rusty, dusty, musty, an lackin' the decency to include somethin' busty to hold the attention of anybody watchin'. Ball bustingly boring entry in the "old dark house" sub-genre wherein some old codger kicks off an leaves his money to his daughter which causes dissension in the ranks of the help, 'er gimpy uncle, an the already P.O.'d Bitey Joe Young who's locked up in the basement awaitin' appeal on charges of conspirin' to raid a Chiquita plantation. If there were any justice, the writers'd be brought up on animal cruelty charges for forcin' the poor chimp to be in this movie.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Sep 26 21:27:27
New Review Up:

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) - Michael Rooker teaches Tom Towles that there's more to life than tryin' to date your sister an havin' your advances upon members of the high school varsity squad rejected as they go on a killin' spree though the streets of Chicago, all while Tom's sister starts mackin' on Mike like R. Kelly at a high school cheerleader tryout, threatenin' to break up the band. Probably featurin' the most screwed up cast since A Clockwork Orange and It's a Wonderful Life, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 02 20:56:34
New Review Up:

Orca (1977) - Dumbledore hits the high seas an fires his Japanese made Blubber Buster 3000 into this Mama whale an hauls 'er on board the Beluga Buster til she poops out a baby whale fetus that splatters all over the deck like vomit from a hungover lookout up in the Crow's Nest. Papa whale is P.O.'d. So he follows Dumbledore into port an starts installin' escape hatches in the bottoms of everybody's boats til the head of the Coastra Nostra fishermans union tells Dumbledore to get his hiney outta there an go face his accuser mammal a mammal out on his home surf before he sends the Clambinos over to rough 'im up. It's basically Moby Dick, cept with the whale playin' Ahab an a little Jaws: The Revenge style cognitive dysfunction.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 09 23:09:35
New Review Up:

The Twilight People (1972) - Iceman from Top Gun an his Manila Guerrillas kidnap this guy with Michael Landon hair an take 'im back to the island of Dr. Boreau in the Philippines so the doctor can screw around with his DNA an mutate 'im into some kinda super lemur an save mankind from the effects of over population. Unfortunately, the doctor's daughter develops a case of the ragin' knee shakes for 'im an they end up releasin' the motley zoo from bondage an sneakin' outta there like an ex high school jock that got setup on a blind date with a fat girl, resultin' in one seriously hacked off Iceman.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Oct 18 15:09:54
New Review Up:

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981) - Billy Meier accidentally opens up the slider door on the crypt next door an releases a buncha zombies who saunter over to his estate an start chewin' on his latest batch of U.F.O. cult recruits. Stellar production features (which are in no way bugs) include; two guys not in zombie make up helpin' the zombies break down a door, a bear trap that only causes minor bruising, the most awkward sex scene filmed east of The Room, the maid still servin' drinks after multiple zombie attacks, and legs that will themselves to remain upright after the head's been decapitated. Entirely too inept to hate.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 23 19:40:13
New Review Up:

Raw Meat (1973) - Buncha non union subway tunnel construction workers get trapped in a cave in an left for dead, only to survive for decades by eatin' the bodies of their fallen mates with a side of rat pellets an a nice peeanti. Cept eventually the last descendant of the Goner party digs his way out an starts shish-kabobin' people at the nearby subway station an it's up to Donald Pleasence an his doughy sidekick who looks like Colm Meaney after a three day drunk to stop Hannibal Wreckter before the London subway system starts to get a bad name.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Nov 01 10:57:05
New Review Up:

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) - Buncha doctors scrape the burnt parts offa Mike an Donald so everybody that hated Halloween III so much'd quit sendin' death threats to Moustapha Akkad an John Carpenter. Unfortunately, Mike cheeks his elephant tranquilizer while he's been transported an ends up escapin' an goin' after Jamie Lee Curtis' daughter after learnin', much to his annoyance, that Jamie got stuck up on us an wouldn't come back for another sequel.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Nov 09 11:30:41
New Review Up:

The Snow Creature (1954) - Buncha Sherpas commandeer a western expedition to search for the wily and elusive Twatblossom plant when the head guy's wife gets kidnapped by the menace of Shag Harbor an they hafta tread all over Nepal til they find Chewbacca. Cept Harry Manderson accidentally brains 'imself an the great white dopes in charge of the expedition ship 'im back to the states where immigration's waitin' to ship his frostback hide back to the Northern Slope if he can't produce a green card.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Nov 14 12:13:20
New Review Up:

Galaxy of Terror (1981) - My Favorite Martian, Joanie Cunningham, Freddy Krueger an Captain Spaulding fly down to some shithole planet that looks like inner city Detroit on a rescue mission, cept they end up needin' the rescuin' after they start screwin' around inside The 10,000 Cent Pyramid which's fulla space leeches an various other Lovecraftian horrors that proceed to tear 'em apart like a pan of hot cinnamon rolls. Only a little gooier.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Nov 14 20:22:41
kewl! That's #13 on my Netflix queue! Somehow had found out that it's similar to Event Horizon and wanted to see it
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Nov 15 01:39:48
If you like it, you might also check out The Terror Within and Forbidden World.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sat Nov 15 03:18:09
*topping in queue*!
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 27 18:09:13
New turkey of a review up for your holiday consumption... warning: may cause vomiting.

The Creeping Terror (1964) - Cantankerously callous carpet creature flies down to Earth in the spaceship from A Trip to the Moon an starts slurpin' down the residents of Chawspittle county. The highly adaptable nature of the creature is attributed to the fact that it must have come from a great distance, so I'm assuming it also had a long distance relationship goin' with that '59 Skoda Felicia. Otherwise Midas is gonna have to run a rape kit on that poor vehicle, an I'd prefer not to think the worst about an outer space monster without just cause first.


http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Dec 11 19:22:01
New Review Up:

The Deadly Spawn (1983) - Outer space penis monsters crash on Earth in a meteorite an hole up in the basement of some middle class family an proceed to mutilate more meat than Joni Ernst durin' castration season. Fortunately, the house is inhabited by a creepy 13 year old kid who's seen Shivers about 119 times an has become more desensitized to traumatic experiences than a Gen Xer whose children spend their days watchin' the same Barney VHS tape on loop. Now it's up to him to save the world before the schlonker slugs turn the place into Sodom and Gomorrah II: Electric Poogaloo.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 19 00:01:39
New Review Up:

Ghostkeeper (1981) - Three hapless Canadians get lost en route to the Tim Hortons an end up sleepin' over at Nanny McFleas' inoperative huntin' lodge that the Mounties hadda shut down after they caught 'er operatin' a black market poutine ring. Unfortunately, Hagatha Christie's also keepin' what looks like Oliver Platt after bein' possessed by Pazuzu in the basement an has 'im on a strict diet of ketchup chips an complex bimbohydrates.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Dec 25 13:36:39
New Review Up:

To All a Goodnight (1980) - Nutbar dons Santa's smock an starts choppin' up a buncha skank wranglers who're playin' grabass at a finishing school over Christmas break. Unfortunately instead of Jesus, they got Harry Reems as their copilot, which places the chances of a Christmas miracle somewhere between a snowball in Hell an Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas makin' its budget back at the box office.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jan 03 19:44:53
New Review Up:

The Devil's Daughter (1939) - Mama Shango plots to scare 'er sister outta Jamaica an take possession of the family's banana plantation. But to pull it off she hasta make 'er sister's flunkie think she's stashed his soul inside Arnold Ziffle an bribe these Rastafied locals to don karate suits an perform this voodoo ritual that looks like it's been choreographed by Michael J. Fox. Movie's so bad it'll put a squirrel that's high on methamphetamine to sleep.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jan 15 23:50:11
New Review Up:

The Thing (1982) - Antarctic research station comes under attack by a shape-shiftin', tentacle stranglin', dog devourin' alien who proceeds to turn their sled dogs into mush puppies an tries assimilatin' all the members of the human crew til they're all one big happy Borg cube steak. It's basically like a more tentacle rapey version of Communism with Kurt Russell standin' in for Joe McCarthy. One of the top ten best horror flicks of all time, so if you haven't already, stick it to Putin an check this one out.

http://nintendementia.com/
McKobb
Member
Fri Jan 16 08:22:01
I remember seeing that one. My parents owned a movie rental place in the mid 80's so I would grab a new flick every night which was payment for my child labor. I think I won out there, imo :P

Anyway, I clearly remember picking out 'The Thing' out and my little sister complaining about as she wanted to see Charlotes Web for the billionth time. We had a couple of pet squirels in the side room of the store. My mom rescued them from the woods not far from the store. Their dislodgement was probably mine and my friend Kyle's fault. We would 'ride' the short pines in those woods, basically climb as far as you can then reach up and grab the tree near the top and jump. Most the time you could ride it down to about a yard from the ground, sometimes not so much, lol. So the consequence of our fun was adopting a couple baby squirels. We named one Amedeus, and the other was the runt so we called him Little-Bit. At slow spells at the shop I'd go to the side room and let them out. Amadeus would get on top of the four foot high cage and if you beckoned him he would jump across the room and land on your shoulder. I started getting bored of this trick and would beckon him then side step watching him sail past and nearly hit the wall. He would get pissed run up my legs and try to bite my neck. I loved that little dude! Eventually we released them at Landmark Park to survive on their own. That's why I remember The Thing, I picked that out the day we set them free.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sat Jan 17 00:01:02
:)
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jan 17 11:40:38
Nice.
McKobb
Member
Sat Jan 17 11:43:29
Did I just naustalgia all over the place? Carry on!
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Jan 18 21:51:44
It's probably okay to nostalgia over an awesome 80s movie, so.. no judgment here :D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 23 20:54:56
New Review Up:

Night of the Lepus (1972) - Rory Calhoun develops a serious varmint problem out on his ranch an ends up havin' to seek out Dr. McCoy from Star Trek to see about gettin' a phaser to wipe out the belligerent bunnies who're goin' to town on his crops. Only McCoy won't do it cause it'd violate the prime directive an so he introduces 'im to Jamie Lee Curtis' mama an 'er husband who's a research scientist an employs 'em to develop a Bugsbonic plague to eliminate the Hellvatine rabbits. Unfortunately, they dunno what they're doin' an and up injectin' a bunny with that same crap Scott Steiner used to make his entire body look like a road map of Green Bay, Wisconsin, at which point the infected bunny escapes an starts spreadin' his DNA around like Bill Clinton on a blue dress.

Serious Bucky O'Hare fu, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 30 15:18:22
New Review Up:

The Eerie Midnight Horror Show (1974) - Satan makes the sign of the triple fanged assault tortoise with an art student an ends up takin' over 'er body so he can make 'er do all that kinky stuff the Catholic church told 'er would land 'er in Hell. Fortunately her parents saw the Exorcist at the drive-in, so they hire Father Xeno "the Devil Stompin' Machino" to siphon Satan out of 'er after 'er face starts lookin' like shredded Parmesan cheese an 'er lips begin to resemble a frostbitten labia, before the Pope finds out an disowns 'em.

http://nintendementia.com/
Flint
Member
Sat Jan 31 21:25:04
Sup Flow,

I see you are ever more into movies!
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Feb 01 00:01:25
Hey Flintling, how goes the fight? Somehow you escaped my years old Facebook friending.

These things aren't gonna in depth review themselves, so yeah, this is what I do.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 06 11:06:24
New Review Up:

The Grapes of Death (1978) - A maverick entrepreneur applies a dash of DDT flavorin' to the grapes in his vineyard, an once the local populous partakes of the resultin' vintage their faces starts sloughin' off like the surface of an old cow pattie in an irrigation ditch. Nacho cheese forehead drippage, necrotic nipples, Betty Krueger face incineration, palate putrefaction, severed head makeout session, vehicular manslaughter, pitchfork fu, shotgun fu, dynamite fu, eyeball rolls, head rolls, viva la France!

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 13 18:59:47
New Review Up:

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) - Jason invokes the sequel clause in his contract an forces Paramount to bus a fresh load of supportin' cast members out to Crystal Lake so he'll have somebody to whittle on til he finally comes face to face with the actor who replaced the actor who performed the exploratory brain surgery on his coconut in the last movie. Luckily, Jason got ahold of a script so he'd know which guy to leave until last.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 20 18:35:50
New Review Up:

Night Fright (1967) - NASA fires somebody's pettin' zoo into space where it ends up swingin' by the intergalactic Chernobyl an gettin' all the animals good an mutated before flippin' a U-turn an headin' back to Earth, only it crashes in John Agar's county an he's got experience dealin' with ugly drool monsters an goes out to fight Murray the Furry. Unfortunately, there's a whole lotta rubery in progress an John hasta spend half the movie makin' sure the local sovereign citizens don't get imminent chow meined by the sentient drain clog.

http://nintendementia.com/
McKobb
Member
Fri Feb 20 18:44:59
Have you reviewed this one?
bug 1975 trailer.: http://youtu.be/IYVj0aagZ0Q
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 21 13:32:43
Bradford Dillman eh? He's great in Piranha. Love the "distract the guard" exchange where the woman asks him what she should do if the guard's gay, to which he responds "then I'LL distract him."

I haven't done Bug yet, no. But I do have it so I can if you'd like to request it.
McKobb
Member
Sat Feb 21 13:48:43
That would be great :P
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 21 18:57:52
Alrighty, will make it the next one I do after I finish the current title. I'm doing The Dark from 1979 this week. Course, I *though* I was doing The Mutilator from 1985, but it turns out The Dark had an alternate title called "The Mutilator." And because the description on the back of the VHS was so pitifully cryptic I didn't think anything of it until it was too late. So not only did I watch the wrong movie, but I now realize that I don't actually have The Mutilator, *and* watched a really lousy VHS print when I could have been watching my DVD of The Dark to begin with. But I'm not bitter.

You can also like the Facebook page if you'd like, and if haven't already. I generally update it about twice a week with a post about what's up next, and then a notification that it went up.

https://www.facebook.com/nintendementia
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 28 14:23:00
New Review Up:

The Dark (1979) - The Laser Floyd Flayer lands his spaceship on Earth an starts sneakin' up on unsuspectin' women in dark alleyways before proceedin' to unleash the Star Wars missile defense lasers he's had surgically implanted into his eyeballs. William Devane's on the case though, an he's spent so much time in the tannin' bed to build up an immunity to harmful UV rays in preparation for this one that he's startin' to look like Erik Estrada. Hopefully the CHiPs reruns have gotten out far enough into space that Floyd's built up a healthy respect for Ponch, otherwise things might get ugly.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Mar 07 13:34:27
New Review Up:

Bug (1975) - Farmer's field suffers a ferocious frackin', resultin' in P.O.'d cockroaches with Montezuma's revenge crawlin' up outta the center of the Earth an threatenin' to ignite the leisure suits an bell bottoms on anybody within a 100 mile radius. Fortunately, entomologist Bradford Dillman's all over the situation like stupid on Rob Schneider, an he's just a little bit P.O.'d on account of havin' to pack his own lunch after the butane powered beetles got into his wife's nappy weave an burned his house to the ground.

http://nintendementia.com/
McKobb
Member
Sat Mar 07 20:05:16
awesome :P
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 13 18:13:37
New Review Up:

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) - Tommy Jarvis an Arnold Horshack dig up Jason's corpse with the intention of barbecuin' it so Tommy'll quit goin' into anaphylactic shock when he steps into the hockey aisle of the Sports Authority. Only they get a little rambunctious an jam a steel harpoon into it an pretty quick lightenin' strikes the harpoon, revivin' Jason an turnin' 'im into an unstoppable superhuman zombie maniac lookin' to pad his confirmed kill record an keep it outta the reach of Chris Kyle.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Mar 13 21:57:08
Happy Voorhees holocaust day! :D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 20 20:02:47
New Review Up:

Dracula (1931) - Bela Lugosi up an ditches his Mormon harem coven to shake off the dust of the one horse town of Transylvania an stuffs Dwight Frye fulla ghoul-aid so there'll be somebody around to keep an eye on his coffin in case he accidentally drinks Rob Ford's blood sample. Unfortunately, Dr. Van Helsing's got a brand new cold seekin' stake launchin' bazooka, an once he notices Bela's able to self reflect about as well as a narcissist with diplomatic immunity, he sets out to stake Bela to the ground like a pup tent.

Come for the Bela Lugosi stink eye, stay for the Dwight Frye googlie eyed diatribe of insanity.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Mar 28 15:32:30
New Review Up:

Blood Hook (1986) - The Goreton's fisherman doesn't like pretenders to his throne, an when a buncha posers start anglin' for the Muskie Madness fishin' trophy, he's just a teensy bit P.O.'d. So Swedey Todd grabs his finest assortment of jerkbaits, hops in Bas Boot, an starts Wonder Bonin' the crap outta the competition an grindin' 'em up into Chef Boyardee brand chum bait.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Apr 03 15:45:14
New Review Up:

The Child (1977): Creepy blonde girl commands 'er rottin' undeath squad of Papa Shango faced zombies to attack anybody who crosses 'er, resultin' in everybody within a five mile radius bein' turned into one of those modern art paintins that looks like somebody threw up on an old afghan. You'd think 'er dad'd be a little sharper since he looks just like Matlock, unfortunately, he's the kinda guy who thinks Geothermal is a dash light indicator on a Metro that kicks on when the engine catches fire, so these people're basically Stouffer's lasagna waitin' to happen.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Apr 10 16:00:04
New Review Up:

Baba Yaga (1973) - Carroll Baker (Baba) gifts 'er antique S&M Leather Bar Barbie to this anorexic female photographer (Valentina) she's crushin' on an spends 70 minutes tryin' to get Val to sample 'er Baba ganoush. Cept Val's datin' the scabby guy from Anthropophagus, an so Baba's slowly goin' apesnit like Meryl Streep in Fatal Attraction an causin' the Cabbage Patch doll wearin' the Demolition ring attire to whack alla Val's fashion models.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Wed Apr 22 23:25:29
New Review Up:

Tentacles (1977) - Henry Fonda beams sonic Tangerine Dream music into the depths of the Pacific at about 5000 decibels to expedite the construction of a fiber optic tunnel through the Cabo Pulmo reef, cept that really wrecks nap time for the Senpai of Hentai an the giant octopus gets so P.O.'d that it hasta start digestin' obese Italians like spicy meat-a-balls. Only then Squidward ends up eatin' Bo Hopkins' imported Italian nookie an Bo unleashes his trained Orca death squad on the Lovecraftian lunker. John Huston an Shelley Winters're in there too, but I'm not sure if they knew what the movie was about, which is probably for the best.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 01 16:32:22
New Review Up:

Pigs (1972) - Whacked out soul survivor of a rogue PETA terrorist cell goes apesnit an decides to dish out ironic revenge for the more obnoxious people in town after seein' Joni Ernst castrate his best hog with 'er teeth. Fortunately, he's got a new girl workin' his diner that recently escaped from the quack shack, who spends most of 'er time dancin' like a carp tryin' to swim its way off an arrow an razorbladin' all the sleazy guys who try makin' 'er go "wee wee wee" all the way home.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu May 07 19:35:47
New Review Up:

Carnival of Souls (1962) - Dame reinforcin' the female driver stereotype runs 'er car off a bridge an into the river below, only to be found hours later stumblin' around the sandbar like Ted Kennedy at a beach party. Then she decides to move to Utah to try an get into one of those free room an board Mormon harem marriage deals, only every time she turns around she's bein' stalked by Cesar Romero in full Joker makeup, an after awhile the screen starts periodically meltin' like a Mr. Goodbar in the New Mexican desert, makin' 'er completely invisible to everybody on the planet. We've all been there. It's like tryin' to get the waitress's attention when the restaurant's real busy, cept in this scenario the waitress is the grim reaper an all the patrons have that deep vein zombosis that makes 'em paler'n a British albino.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 15 18:31:35
New Review Up:

Tremors (1990) - Subterranean sock puppets start slurpin' down desert rats out in Nevada, forcin' the local handymen, a seismologist, an a coupla foundin' members of the Oath Keepers to mobilize a counter-offensive against the worm warfare division. Unfortunately, the montanacondas start jackin' up everybody's houses like zit-faced teenagers with a 1984 Toyota pickup til everybody hasta pack up an head for the big rock candy mountains before they get turned into poo poo splatters.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
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