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Utopia Talk / Movie Talk / Nintendementia Reviews III
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 22 17:19:07
New Review Up:

Neon Maniacs (1986)- Hydrophobic drool monsters, who look like wax sculptures of Tor Johnson that got left out in the sun, hole up in the framework of the Golden Gate Bridge prayin' to Cthulhu that the water doesn't rise beyond the pumpin' capacity of their sump so they can head out at night an terrorize all the teenagers rootin' around in the park makin' the most of their abstinence only sex education class. Unfortunately, they end up leavin' one victim alive, an hafta spend the next 75 minutes tryin' to do 'er in before she spills the beans about Bridgian to the Syfy Channel executives. Once those jagoffs find out about 'em there'll be hapless film crews stumblin' around their digs in the dark makin' scary noises to freak out the token cute girl, an that's just no way to live.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 29 17:23:07
New Review Up:

The Ape Man (1943) - Bela Lugosi starts monkeyin' around with his test tubes an accidentally ends up lookin' like he got a full body makeover at John Chambers' house. Now he's got an unquenchable thirst for banana daiquiris an hasta enlist the help of Whistler's Mother an his lab assistant to come up with a serum that'll help 'im quit flingin' his own scat all over the walls, before he goes completely apeshit an tries climbin' the Chrysler Building.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
Palem
Person.
Fri May 29 19:03:29
Dearest Evenflow,

For a website named after Nintendo, the amount of classic game reviews you have is highly lacking. You have some classics on there, but are missing other classics. Where's Battletoads? Where's Kid Icarus? Where's River City Ransom? Damnit man where's my childhood!?


Sincerely,
Palem
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 30 20:39:28
Kinda moved away from the games, may go back at some point. I've got everything you mentioned, but the patience necessary to play a lot of those old games begins to fail you when you hit about 25, which I passed some time ago.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jun 06 15:29:58
New Review Up:

Guardian of Hell (1981) - Ole hot pants decides to hop down off his brimstone throne an seduce some nuns over in this Italian convent that's built on toppa the Cryptkeeper's house so they'll quit gettin' the pages in their copies of 50 Shades of Grey all stuck together. Cept he sweet talks one of 'em into goin' without protection an pretty quick we got the Mama Super hidin' 'er telekenesified offspring in the attic wearin' a white ninja cowl, while these priests're swaggerin' around the place splashin' holy water all over like sacrilegious ducks takin' a swim in the church font tryin' to void Satan's lease.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jun 11 19:04:26
New Review Up:

Swamp Thing (1982) - Emotionally stunted botanist spills explosive vegetal growth serum on 'imself an hasta take a header into the bayou, resultin' in his transformation into the heart-throb of kinky vegan girls everywhere; the Swamp Thing. This upsets the ecological balance an Dr. Arcane a whole bunch, so he hires Krug Stillo to use Adrienne Barbeau's Barbobos as bait to lure his swampiness into the ole Salad Shooter. Suffice it to say, the sentient slaughtercress salad is just a teensy bit P.O.'d.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Jun 22 20:42:13
New Review Up:

Death Warmed Over (1984) - Whacked out Kiwi scientist brainwashes Iolaus from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys into murderin' his parents cause they're the only ones who know about the scientist's diabolical plan to turn everybody's skulls into wiffle balls an cram Laffy Taffy inside to increase the reality TV ratings. But after seven years in the cracked house Iolaus gets out on parole, an by now he's twice as P.O.'d cause the orderlies gave 'im a makeover an turned 'im into Billy Idol, so he does the only thing a man in his position can do: storm Auckatraz Island with his friends an work on gettin' revenge AND the perfect tan.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jul 05 15:52:41
New Review Up:

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990) - After an acceptable mournin' period, Leatherface leaves the iconic buildin' that he, Jim Siedow, an Ed Neal helped make a home, to rub elbows with his slightly off kilter kin down the road cause he's basically just a little kid an needs somebody around that knows how to file down his teeth an iron his rawhide Underoos. The transition's goin' real good, cept just when Leatherface starts feelin' welcome, Ken Foree shows up with an AK-47 an goes all Y2K survival nut on 'em an before he even knows what's happenin' his supper turns the dinner tables on 'im.

http://www.nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jul 10 18:36:33
New Review Up:

Just Before Dawn (1981) - Buncha city kids with no more sense'n a shop dog that's been inhalin' cleanin' solvent fumes for 13 years go drivin' around the backwoods of Oregon in the space shuttle, til they run afoul of mutant hillbilly walruses who like to ram machetes through the sperm banks of unsuspectin' urbanites. Fortunately, George Kennedy was forced out into the middle of nowhere by the town council when they found out about the unnatural relationship he's been carryin' on with his Poinsettia plants, an he ends up havin' to ride all over the back forty to pull their bungalow dwellin' butts outta the fire.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 16 22:45:57
New Review Up:

Beast from Haunted Cave (1959) - Group of small time criminals who never heard back from Danny Ocean after their job interviews steal all the black hills gold in South Dakota an dupe a ski instructor into haulin' 'em out to his huntin' lodge to see whether it'll be cabin or gold fever that they ultimately succumb to. Unfortunately, a third challenger emerges when everybody fails to anticipate the arachnid inquisition, as the group proves ill prepared to deal with the eight-legged shag carpet creature that emerges from Jerkwood Forest.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 23 20:18:57
New Review Up:

Maximum Overdrive (1986) - Alien forces from a nearby comet take control of the Earth's machinery an start commitin' vehicular manslaughter on unsuspectin' middle America cause they're tired of how anytime they abduct an probe guys with lisps they always wanna talk about their feelins an refuse to leave the spacecraft afterwards. Unfortunately, the only thing standin' between us an a case of terminal road rash is Emilio Estevez, Lisa Simpson, an a buncha guys who look like they've done unspeakable things to the rest area toilets of America, an much like visitin' a roadside rest stop, things're gonna get a whole lot worse before they get better.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jul 31 20:24:29
New Review Up:

The Wild Beasts (1984) - Zoo central command gets sacked by a pride of P.O.'d pussycats when the security system accidentally gets switched over to the "White House" setting an all the cages open up like Heidi Fleiss at a Hollywood after hours party. Next thing you know we've got some serious Jumanji fu in the streets of downtown Frankfurt, an it's up to Ravishing Rick Rude's Italian equivalent to corral the beasts before they exceed their bag limit on European actors.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Aug 08 18:35:43
New Review Up:

The Wolf Man (1941) - Buncha Gypsies roll into Lon Chaney Jr.'s neighborhood to party, cept when he comes around to lay his money down, Lon gets chewed on by Bela "the hairy fella" Lugosi before he can bash his face in like Ronda Rousey an ends up joinin' The Hair Club for Men. Unfortunately, the dog catchers're all over 'im like fleas on a Sasquatch crotch, an pretty quick Lon's lookin' at 35 to life in the pound for goin' all Cujo on the townsfolk.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Aug 13 19:14:08
New Review Up:

American Gothic (1988) - A whole mess of sinners make an emergency landin' off the coast of Canada, where Rod Steiger an Lily Munster're raisin' up trio of "children" who're old enough to be sufferin' from menopause an erectile dysfunction (respectively, I think). Rod 'n Lily're hospitable enough, least until the ingrates start doin' things like tryin' to sleep in the same room outside of wedlock, an reachin' for the dinner rolls before Rod can say grace, at which point all bets're off as Ma 'n Pa sic their middle-aged yard monsters on their house guests an pretty quick we got full throttle arrested development fu, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 21 19:14:18
New Review Up:

The Valley of Gwangi (1969) - James Franciscus an a buncha Wrangler jeans spokesmodels sneak into The Land Before Time to try capturin' reptile antiquities so they can teach 'em stupid tricks an go rub elbows with David Letterman on The Late Show. Unfortunately, Rachel Welch ain't on the welcomin' committee, an before long they run into a P.O.'d T-Rex that chases 'em all over an eats half the minorities in the supportin' cast before they can get 'im slung up in a big ole wicker basket an haul 'im back to Guadalajara. Openin' night at Gwangi's goes about as well as King Kong's stage debut, an pretty quick we got all out dino fu when Gwangi busts out an starts doin' the Mexican hat dance all over the crowd.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 28 14:53:54
New Review Up:

Alien Prey (1978) - Alien claims adjuster flies down to Earth an starts rubbin' shoulders with a coupla British lesbians an confirms the findins of a previous mission that determined Earth girls were easy. Then he spends most of the movie reportin' back to Orson every night while the women're upstairs havin' fun with Jane but not Dick, til they eventually accept 'im as one of their own. That's when they dress 'im up in an evenin' gown so he'll look like Tim Curry from Rocky Horror, an throw a party to celebrate the bludgeonin' of a fox who turned their hen house into a bucket of original recipe. There's also some weird stuff.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Sep 03 17:01:41
New Review Up:

Voodoo (1995) - Corey Feldman heads off to Voodoo U when he finds out about all the hot new designer drugs wastin' the minds of America's youth, only he ends up joinin' a fraternity run by this guy who speaks in tongues all the time an blows Cheeto dust into people's faces til they look like Ron Howard. Then Eraserhead shows up an teaches Corey voodoo fu so he'll have a fightin' chance when the priest tries takin' control of his mind an forcin' 'im to watch the VMAs.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Sep 10 22:51:14
New Review Up:

Home Sweet Home (1981) - Jake Steinfeld escapes from the nut hut an his weekly workout drudgery of tightenin' up celebrity fannies so their cellulite won't shake like an off balance washin' machine when they walk down the red carpet. Then he shoots about eight ounces of PCP into his tongue to calm down a little, an heads out to some family's mountain retreat after drivin' over Miss Daisy while she's hunched over in the street pickin' up 'er groceries. Cept when Jake gets out there he's so P.O.'d about the lack of neon leotards, ankle warmers, an perky women ready to feel the burn, that he ends up hulkin' out an pretty quick we got a whole mess of community theater actors bein' Disembodied by Jake.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Sep 18 15:53:24
New Review Up:

She Freak (1967) - A stuck up greasy spoon waitress aspires to greater heights an runs off to join the carnival so she can serve fat, sweaty patrons with wheat stalks stickin' outta their mouths all over the country. Cept then she gets real ambitious an starts tryin' to get the owner of the sideshow to give 'er the ole 10-in-1, while she's sneakin' around his back with Crock Hudson. Only the midget who works event security (Shorty) starts to smell what she an the Crock're cookin' in Crock's truckbed an breakfast, an the sideshow owner gets just a little bit P.O.'d when Shorty tells 'im his shawty's an eenie meenie miny mo lover.

Basically, we got Freaks, sans freaks.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Oct 02 14:15:05
New Review Up:

Carrie (1976) - Sissy Spacek freaks out in the high school shower when 'er period shows up unannounced, an pretty quick she's got an entire gang of retro Mean Girls surroundin' 'er an peltin' 'er with those "So You've Become a Woman" pamphlets they pass out at the free clinics where the children of religious fundies go to get their birth control pills. Cept then one of the bitches goes babyface an makes 'er poodle-haired boyfriend take Sissy to the prom, an pretty quick the vital fluid fu comes full circle when the head bitch slimes 'er with pig's blood like they're doin' a gritty reboot of a You Can't Do that on Television skit. Next thing ya know, Sissy's eyes start bulgin' out like a carp in an ice chest, the auditorium doors slam shut, an what woulda been the graduatin' class ends up gettin' roasted like rotisserie chickens when Sissy uses 'er psycho brain waves to torch the place like a trailer park after a meth lab explosion.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 08 20:38:56
New Review Up:

The Amityville Horror (1979) - The American Dream turns into the American nightmare when James Brolin an Margot Kidder move into this rickety old colonial where Brimstone Britches' been walled up in the basement next to the sump pump. Only nobody believes Reverend Rod Steiger that the devil's in the detailing, an after awhile everybody ends up goin' to pieces like a package of crackers at a Clam Chowder bar.

But you know how demons are; they see James Brolin, they hatin'.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 15 19:08:27
New Review Up:

Frankenstein (1931) - The Frankenman goes shoppin' for cold cuts at the 6 Feet Under meat market til he's got enough Decease's Pieces to try hookin' up a bug zapper to the conglomerate glopola monster's brain so he can either shock it to life or make his lab smell like a sausage foundry. Unfortunately, Frank's assistant forgot to wash the KFC grease off his hands, an fails to disclose that he's fumbled the normal brain an hadda bring Frank the brain of Aleister Crowley, an pretty quick the Monster's rampagin' all over the countryside makin' real lousy first impressions with the townsfolk.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Oct 22 20:01:09
New Review Up:

Night of the Living Dead (1990): Who can take the dead guys, leakin' vital goo, lobotomize their brains before they grab your neck an chew? The Candyman. Yes, the Candyman can.

Tony Todd an a buncha genre actors hole up inside Leatherface's house to fend off an army of gangrenous guests who, much like a pack of high school Seniors preyin' upon naive Freshmen with insecurity issues, start swarmin' the place lookin' for fresh meat. Fortunately, this time around Women's Lib has sufficiently empowered the female lead to the point that she swaps out a dress for Dockers an hysteria for hollow points, an pretty quick we got the highest volume of mentally deficient folks bein' executed anywhere east of Texas.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Oct 31 13:06:16
New Review Up:

Halloween 5 (1989) - Mike gets nursed back to health by a kindly old bipedal bilge rat livin' in a fishin' shack so he can rise again one year later an rough up Donald Pleasence an Danielle Harris. Course, Danielle has hit that awkward stage in a girl's life where she gets 'er brain waves tethered to her deep fried, bullet riddled psycho-killer uncle, an so she's spent the last year in a clinic for criminally insane pre-teens with cute haircuts, hooked up to this brain seismograph with only Donald to keep 'er company. They really shoulda called this one Halloween the 13th, cause Mike pretty well forgets his objective until the last 20 minutes of the movie. That's what happens though. You can only be around so many high school girls who dress like Cyndi Lauper before you inevitably snap an start slicin' 'em up into haggis hoagie meat, an the next thing you know, you've lost sight of the important things.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 05 21:48:37
New Review Up:

Drive-In Massacre (1977) - The militant wing of the passion police decide to patrol the local drive-in scene with a samurai sword an start hackin' up fornicators into piles of chopped ninjut-suey. Unfortunately, the cops workin' the case've been banned from stakin' out the drive-in after they thought it'd be real funny to drive around with their lights on an scare the crap outta the stoners when the place was showin' Cheech & Chong's Up in Smoke. So now one of 'em hasta dress up like Ethel Merman to sneak by the Boris Zhukov lookin' night manager an lay in wait for the killer cause they missed the day in police academy where the class learned about warrants. There're also a coupla weird guys.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Nov 13 16:16:55
New Review Up:

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) - A little blonde girl with psycho-kinetic brain powers gets P.O.'d at 'er Dad for slappin' 'er Mom around like they're starrin' in a Lifetime network original feature, an ends up turnin' the Crystal Lake dock into a D- woodshop project an drownin' the guy like a cockroach in a coffee pot. Then, ten years later, Bernie Lomax has been assigned as 'er court appointed brain doctor, an takes 'er back to Crystal Lake where he plans to get 'er wound up tighter'n an oriental rug an watch 'er reenact the prom scene from Carrie so he can write a book about it an go on Oprah. Only she ends up headin' down to the dock one night to try raisin' 'er Dad from the dead an accidentally releases Jason from pondage, an pretty quick we got all out Weekend at Bernie's fu.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 19 20:09:06
New Review Up:

Glen and Randa (1971) - Post-apocalyptic version of Love Is where nekkid minors try to reach the fabled city of Metropolis that's prophesized to be a super happenin' place by some mysterious pre-nuke John the Baptist who went by the initials D.C. Unfortunately everybody in the future looks to have graduated at the bottom of their remedial kindergarten classes, an now the survivors just poke around through old collapsed mining cabins for cans of Van Camp's pork 'n beans an live under freeway underpasses like heroin addicts, leavin' Glen an Randa as the sole survivors with enough brains to flee to "the city" that might yet hold the key to mankind's salvation; Boise, Idaho.

Warning: Viewing this movie may cause the sudden appearance of unwanted hipster beards, berets, and permanent residence in the "friend zone" of every girl you know.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 26 17:39:50
You want turkey? I gotcher turkey right here. Butterball could package this disaster alongside the 20lbers in the frozen food section an it'd STILL be more fun to just watch the bird thaw out.

New Review Up:

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) - Fraud Serling narrates the fallout of a nuclear blast that radiates Tor Johnson (but not his pants) an turns 'im into... well, Tor Johnson with a little dried Play-Doh smeared on his face to simulate melted skin. Unfortunately, the Tumbleweed Defense League of the greater Desolation County police department start stealin' Tor's partially strangled cave-ladies an flyin' around in an old twin-engine an firin' on anything that moves, til Tor gets so P.O.'d that he hasta shake his Gandalf staff at the sky an make a series of threatenin' grunts at the Kennedy administration maniacs for blowin' it up like he's auditionin' for the Charlton Heston role in the Planet of the Apes remake.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 11 19:29:45
New Review Up:

Blood Feast (1963) - Creepy little Egyptian who worships a sculpture of one of the Solid Gold Dancers promises to serve up an Egyptian blood feast in the statue's honor, but first he hasta bulge his eyes out like a Chinese Pug on PCP an hypnotize this broad wearin' a Halloween sombrero to convince 'er to let 'im cater 'er daughter's birthday party. Next thing you know, the smarmy little booger's runnin' around town turnin' all the nubile young women into Binty Moore stew ingredients, while the cops visit crime scene after crime scene unable to read the hieroglyphics on the wall.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 18 23:45:36
New Review Up:

The Last House on the Left (1972) - Group of gangbangsters bust outta the pokey an proceed to kidnap a coupla nubile young women an violate 'em like common frat house pledges til the girls get a little too spirited on 'em an the creeps hafta poke 'em fulla holes an turn 'em into lawn sprinklers. Unfortunately for the Krug Klux Klan, they discover that Walt Disney was right about it bein' a small world after all when they end up takin' refuge in the homes of one of the girls' parents, an when the parents figure out what's goin' on they get madder'n a rhino with rectal rash an start loadin' up his double barrel with vengeance seekin' missiles.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 25 12:54:15
New Review Up:

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987) - Kid brother of the original Santa Claus killer tops his previous eyebrow rep max while spendin' the first forty minutes narratin' the greatest slits from the first flick. Then, once the movie's built up enough paddin' to turn every insecure freshman in America into a D cup, he ices the psychiatrist an murders a Salvation Army bell ringer so he'll have enough change to prank call a crippled nun.

God help us, everyone.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 01 14:12:38
New Review Up:

Flesh for Frankenstein (1973) - Udo Kier an his Merry Brandybuck lookin' lab assistant open up their own build a herr business an start stitchin' together a buncha loutish proletariat Zoroastrian sinners from the wrong side of the cow path til he's got more zipper scars per capita than the six block radius surroundin' a Golden Corral. Udo wants to breed a race of icky skank monsters to command for... well I'm not sure what, but Udo's German, so use your imagination. Only Udo ends up gettin' bamboozled by the ole "abnormal brain" problem that plagued Colin Clive, an when he tries makin' his corpses copulate 'im up some zombabies he realizes his male zombie's got a case of the limber tail in his pantaloon region cause he just ain't that into chicks.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jan 07 19:41:08
New Review Up:

The Beast in Heat (1977) - Nazi doctor Kimmy Gibbler from Full House creates a Neanderthal man that she sics on nubile young women who generally die from complications surroundin' their kongjugal visits. Meanwhile, heilfalutin' imitation Italian Nazi Roy Scheider is gettin' hassled by Colonel Klink about the local proles sabotagin' his supply lines, so he sends a buncha goons into the village to fraubeat all the women into rattin' out their insubordinate spouses. Unfortunately, all the women know reich from wrong an refuse to squeal, so by the time Roy finally figures out where the party's at he's so P.O.'d that he sends the entire Neinth Infantry out to grind the lot of 'em into Hamburg.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jan 21 20:20:28
New Review Up:

Faces of Death (1978) - Join Dr. Monotone Von Gloomygus as he examines the gullibility of 70s audiences though trick photography an the use of icky stock footage from atrocities past. I'ma just give it to you straight here; we're talkin' 60% - 70% bullstuff, with a documentary feel that merges the tried an tested formulas of the medical drama, mondo film, Christian Children's Fund ad, an Humane Society guilt trip informercial featurin' heart string tuggin' Sarah McLachlan music. You may not *like* Faces of Death, but you WILL laugh when the animal control deputy gets yanked off his boat an wrestles a rubber gator a la Steve Reeves in Hercules.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Jan 22 16:03:58
:D .. Had to look up that Steve Reeves reference. Didn't realize how many rubber animals he'd fought! ;p .. was a rubber crocodile only in "Last Days of Pompeii" though?
http://www...-christine-kaufmann_shortfilms
[1:06:03]
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 22 18:26:18
I think I was forgetting the point at which Steve Reeves stopped playing Hercules. The scenes I'm thinking of with Herc roughing up inflatable pool cushions are Hercules movies, but it's not Steve Reeves. The Herc wrestles gators/crocs in both Hercules Against the Mongols (1963) and Hercules Against the Barbarians (1964).

But that was Mark Forest. Steve only played Hercules twice, once in '58 and once in '59.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sat Jan 23 20:05:47
I didn't know any of that, so you seem to be well ahead of the curve on 50s/60s movies :D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Jan 24 13:48:03
<-------- alleged expert.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 29 10:45:25
New Review Up:

The Driller Killer (1979) - Strugglin' bush headed artist (Abel Ferrara) with largemouth bass lips goes psycho when Stink Floyd moves in next door an start rehersin' 22 hours a day to try compensatin' for the fact that their guitarist knows less about licks than the lesbian bar bouncers down the hall. Eventually, things start to look up when he finishes his "masterpiece," cept when Big Gay Al Borland from the art gallery comes to scope it out he tells Abel he's lost all his artistic vision an that he wouldn't stick that abomination on a placemat at the Sizzler. You'll hafta excuse Abel if he's just a little bit P.O.'d about the situation, an pretty quick he's left with no other choice but to drill or be drilled.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 05 11:43:37
New Review Up:

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) - The jungle is sorely lackin' in fun and games, when a documentary film crew treks into the Amazon to meet the single-breasted women from whom the region takes its name, but find only cantankerous cannibals who proceed to turn 'em all into bone jewelry. This prompts a scientist an Robert Shaw's cranky South American equivalent to mount a rescue mission an make friends with the Fine Young Cannibals so they can recover the crew's film canisters an find out what in the name of Machu Picchu's monolithic maze of monotonous masonry happened to the crew. Suffice it to say, there might've been some slight provocation on the part of the film crew, an despite havin' both cheeks fully exposed at all times, the natives don't turn 'em quite as well as the Amish.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Fri Feb 05 17:30:00
Hey I thought you'd reviewed that one before! :D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 05 19:08:51
Nuh uh. Did... Eaten Alive! (1980) a couple years ago, but not Cannibal Holocaust. There were a few others that featured cannibalism too, but only one was Italian; Motel Hell, Raw Meat, Wrong Turn, and Anthropophagus. Guess I've done the first three in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series too, but it's pretty unlikely that anyone would confuse those for Cannibal Holocaust.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sat Feb 06 17:53:15
So weird! I was pretty sure that the only reason that I evar saw Cannibal Holocaust was because you'd done a review about it... is this real life? D:
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Feb 07 13:42:55
Maybe it came up in a discussion? Or maybe I wrote one a really long time ago, back before I changed the format and made them unbearably long. That seems possible.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Feb 07 18:05:33
"before I changed the format" sounds right.. it was definitely a long while ago..

Wow, it was 2008:
http://ata...archivepost.jsp?thread=1070777
Where does to time goes? :(
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Feb 07 22:13:11
I really shouldn't have suggested anyone watch that, but 8 years ago it probably would've seemed funny.
Cherub Cow
Member
Sun Feb 07 22:18:04
lulz. I think I called it an indirect suggestion only because your review made it sound like a disturbing movie — which seemed like a good thing to watch at the time ;p
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Feb 11 20:00:38
New Review Up:

Absurd (1981) - Vatican biochemists workin' on the top secret self-regeneratin' Body of Christ Communion Wafer project stick a +7 health regeneration magic enchant on George "Mutton Chomps" Eastman's birthday suit of armor. This causes some minor blow back when George goes apeshit an starts splittin' people's skulls into matchin' soup bowls, an things start gettin' real bad when detective Italian Bill Maher refuses to call for backup units cause he's more afraid of buggin' the police chief durin' Super Bowl weekend than he is about the P.O.'d heretic who can withstand higher lead concentrations than a Flint, Michigan daycare center.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 19 19:22:55
New Review Up:

Bloody Moon (1981) - A group of bimbonic plague victims from the Slamma Gi sorority house in Pamplona get whacked one by one in between mammary elasticity demonstrations an cat fights over who gets to sink the groundskeeper's galleon. There's also a subplot about a pair of siblins that show each other a little too much southern hospitality stayin' with their P.O.'d Aunt Pizarro, an one of 'ems got a face like Vigo the Carpathian after havin' it nuked in the microwave on High for five minutes. It's essentially a Spanish Friday the 13th, so instead of Spam in a cabin, we got Spam in el villa.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Mar 03 19:02:15
New Review Up:

Nightmare (1981) - Gangling basket case with acute Roddy McDowell syndrome gets his brains descrambled by the whitecoat mafia an released onto the wilds of 42nd Street where his Saneodryl prescription proves ineffective against his childhood flashbacks involvin' a dominatrix hooker an a splittin' maul. He gets bored of that pretty quick though, cause let's face it, when you've gotten stuck to the floor of one porno theater you've pretty much been stuck to all of 'em. So he decides to drive down to Florida an harass this single mother an 'er rotten kids an pretty quick we got Prowlers in the Attic.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Mar 10 18:56:04
New Review Up:

The Day It Came to Earth (1977) - A giant flaming Lifesaver (orange flavor) crash lands on toppa the corpse of some prison snitch that just got marginalized by The Godfather's bastard children. Cept then these '50s sitcom kids from the remedial agricultural college haul the meteor back to astronomy class, an when Jellator rises from the lake bed that evenin' an finds his night light missin' he's P.O.'d.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Mar 17 20:12:18
New Review Up:

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1989) - The last survivin' C.H.U.D. (who really just looks like Clancy Brown after a trip through the trash compactor rather'n a C.H.U.D.) gets kidnapped an thawed out in some teenager's bathroom where he proceeds to overflow the toilet an play water park. Unfortunately, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. gets assigned to recapturin' it an he's P.O.'d to begin with cause he wanted to put Bud out to S.T.U.D. an breed a buncha Chudified super soldiers to wipe out the Commies before congress cut the military budget down to a measly 500 billion a year.

Best movie of 1989 to feature a zombie June Lockhart.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Mar 24 19:23:29
New Review Up:

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues (1955) - 80% pseudo science, 5% monster movie, an 15% stuffy old guys changing in and out of top coats. The spirit of scientific discover is alive, well, an spendin' a lotta time learnin' how to enrich uranium on the bottom of the ocean until this halogen Bat Signal starts shinin' up offa the ocean floor an mutates the local wildlife into somethin' that looks like it aughta be workin' as a door greeter at Hunan.

It's basically Creature from the Haunted Sea, only on accident.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Mar 31 19:08:48
New Review Up:

Night of the Demon (1980) - The Satch-Man cometh unglued on a group of college kids an their professor when they head out into his woods to prove that he initiated some unsolicited Wookie nookie with this gal who looks like Scott Reiniger after he went zombie in Dawn of the Dead, an got 'er all knocked up with somethin' that looks like it got pulled outta Rob Zombie's shower drain.

Just wanted to put that out there, cause there're some folks who might be a little upset watchin' a girl get snatch-squatched, or havin' to see a dirt biker get his crankshaft twisted off. Some people're just sensitive like that.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Apr 14 19:04:55
New Review Up:

Phase IV (1974) - Everyday run of the mill ants get blasted with outer space MENSA beams an turn into super intelligent Commie-ants who learn to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of makin' Nigel Davenport's life a livin' Hell. Cept then Nigel's free-spirit hippy assistant starts beamin' his geometry homework out to the ants through a fax machine inside their Epcot Center lookin' base an the next thing you know the ants start faxin' back a list of demands startin' with full creative control of their own Pixar movie.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Apr 21 21:46:23
New Review Up:

Invasion of the Saucer Men (1957) - Midget space aliens that look like Freddy Krueger's testicles land on Elmer Fudd's farm an start shootin' up the locals with this deathamphetamine concoction that comes straight outta their little hypodermic digits. Course the aliens're only P.O.'d cause some high school punk committed felony hit-an-run. An who among us wouldn't be if we were E.T.s tryin' to phone our homie, sick with worry, only to later find 'im stuck in a grille that you can't just spatula 'im off of? It's bad enough bein' red shirts, but bein' red shirts in a cow pasture fulla horny bulls is no way to go through life.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Apr 28 20:15:41
New Review Up:

Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956) - The Zillaman hits the snooze button on his alarm clock an wakes up 150 million years after his species went extinct, only to find the planet inhabited by hairless apes who've set up tinker toy sweat shops an noodle huts all over his ancestral home. You'll hafta excuse his Zillness if he's just a little bit P.O.'d, an pretty quick he starts slam dancin' all over the train station, wastin' fleets of Japanese Tonka tanks, an doin' unspeakable things to all the office buildins with open windows. Humanity's only hope lies with Perry Mason's ability to maintain the exact same facial expression for the entire length of the movie, an a mad scientist's super secret toilet tablets that destroy all the oxygen in the Pacific Ocean.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu May 05 19:14:12
New Review Up:

Berserker (1987) - Teddy Buckskin roams around the forest depletin' the stock of future hair band members after bein' banned from Valhalla by a seriously P.O.'din for refusin' to dial his savagery back a notch an move down to Minnesota with the rest of the Vikings to work at the Hormel factory. Basically, we're talkin' standard Spam in a Cabin, an it's up to Buck Flower an his glorious George Bernard Shaw beard to try savin' the movie while pronouncin' all his J's as Y's so that we're never quite sure if we should trust him or not.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 13 19:04:36
New Review Up:

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) - Jason's finally had it. He's sick an tired of all these mugga fuggin' skanks who need mugga fuggin' slain. They defy all logic by showin' up in his campground year after year no matter how many of 'em he turns into fertilizer, he's done. All he wants to do is check out Times Square, eat one of those disgustin' hot dogs with sourkraut, maybe get his picture taken with George Steinbrenner, but no. His cruise ship is overrun with cynical Generation X'ers doin' all the things you should never do in a horror flick, an as usual, he ends up takin' his work with 'im. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu May 19 19:05:53
New Review Up:

Torture Ship (1939) - Washed up, discredited doctor of medicine heads out into international waters aboard The Love Boat so he can conduct medical experiments on a buncha wanted criminals to see if he can work up a serum that'll make 'em stop wantin' to kill people for their Mickey Mouse pocket watches an start helpin' little old ladies cross the street. But mostly the specter nectar just gives everybody inoperable cancer of the elbow, an pretty quick Captain Boregan hasta enlist Robin Hoodlum an his Scary Men to revoke the doc's doctor/patient privileges.

This movie should not be viewed by anyone with a history of depression.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jun 02 19:24:49
New Review Up:

Puppet Master II (1990) - More new age psychic spiritualist ghost hunter hippies show up at the Bodega Bay Inn to figure out what made the sole survivor of the first flick go nuttier'n the front lawn of Nana Mildred's pecan orchard. Course, by this point the ill tempered Egyptian Voodoo zombie marionettes've dug up the skank-riddled corpse of their late creator an poured nuclear Mountain Dew on 'im to bring 'im back to life so he can moon around the inn wrapped in bandages like The Invisible Man, while they fart around the back forty an carve up the foreheads of some second string actors who never got a call back for Motel Hell. Domo arigato, Mr. Loboto.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jun 09 19:30:37
New Review Up:

Bog (1979) - The bass go flyin' an the tourists start dyin' when some rube from Wisconsin deploys Deep Sea-4 depth charges into Lake Goodyear an awakens the Schlock Ness Monster after centuries of sleepin' off a hangover. The Soggy Crack creature is P.O.'d, so he starts makin' like a Chupacabra an goes around deep throatin' every babe in town with his proboscis until Aldo Ray draws a line in the sludge an dares the guy in the Ogo-B.O.G.O. K-Mart fright suit to step across it. We're talkin' Birth of a Nation goes muskie fishin', check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Jun 20 19:32:41
New Review Up:

Moon of the Wolf (1972) - We got big trouble in the swamps of Louisiana as David Janssen tries figurin' out who was born on the bayou an who was suckled at the ample bosoms of Stirba in Castle Wolfenstein, when somebody in town starts roamin' around killin' people via shaky Parkinsons scary cam an turnin' the locals into Skoal Creole. We're talkin' An American Werewolf in Dockers here, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jun 23 19:03:31
New Review Up:

Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983) - Reb Brown tacks a pronghorn thong speedo over his cave-johnson an sets out on an epic quest to find 'imself like a privileged rich kid on a backpackin' trip across Europe. Only instead of findin' stuck up snobs with decent healthcare systems, Reb hasta fight off a Didyouguyseventry?-ceratops, Planet of the Apes extras, Arabs in Imhotep costumes, an S&M Darth Vader androids under the control of the evil Emperor Valvoline.

This is a man's world. And that man's name is Yor.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jun 30 23:07:33
New Review Up:

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973) - G.I. Gnomes invade the home of Kim Darby so they can peek at 'er in the shower an ruin 'er dinner parties faster'n George Bush Sr. at a Japanese banquet. Her husband's real sensitive about 'er condition though, so he mostly yells at 'er an tells 'er to start actin' more like June Cleaver an less like June Shannon or he's gonna hafta force a Prozac smoothie down 'er gullet with every meal so she won't embarrass 'im in front of his coworkers. Fortunately, Uncle Charley from My Three Sons is there doin' carpentry work between gigs an he knows about the leper-chauns in the basement. Only he don't wanna sound crazy an get locked up in an old folks home, so he won't tell anybody what's goin' on until Kim's already in deep stuff.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 07 18:57:24
New Review Up:

The Beach Girls and the Monster (1965) - Jack the Flipper stalks the beaches between scenes of meaningless subplot, excruciating beach party tunes, and thirty somethings posing as teenagers doin' the "shake the sand outta my tuchus" dance. Mandatory viewing for Millennials, since I think they aughta see how the generation currently referring to them as "lazy" spent its youth.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 14 19:23:17
New Review Up:

Mad Max (1979) - Mel Gibson teams up with the Australian equivalents of Sting an Kojak to clean up the Hills Have Eyes extras drivin' all over the Outback like Tony Stewart lookin' for a rest stop to drop a batch of explosive diarrhea, only Squiggy Down Under an Gorilla the Hun run Sting off the road an turn 'im into a piece of burnt toast with strawberry jelly an make Mel Sad Max. So Mel tells Kojak to take his police pension an stick up his didgeridoo after decidin' to become Dad Max, but then the rugby hooligans kill Mel's family an now he's way beyond Mad Max. Next thing you know, Mel starts makin' like Auto von Skidmark an takes on the entire gang in what is undoubtedly one of the greatest exhibitions of Outback Fu ever put to film.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 23 14:07:09
New Review Up:

The Last Man on Earth (1964) - An airborne plague gets loose in Europe an spreads faster'n a pair of flabby thighs at a key party, until Vincent Price gets stuck servin' as undertaker for the whole damn planet an bein' forced to hammer stakes into a buncha Carnival of Souls extras with bad Nospheratudes. Unfortunately, by the time Vince finally runs into another person it's been so long since he had a woman over that he forgets his manners an starts accusin' 'er of bein' Broad Tepes cause he thinks she's infected, an the next thing you know her vampire vigilante friends show up to make Vincent pay the Price for drivin' stakes through their friends like toothpicks through a club sandwich.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 05 19:21:39
New Review Up:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994) - Matthew McConaughey, Leatherface, an a supportin' cast of guys who look like they were rewired wrong the last time they got abducted by aliens terrorize Renee Zellweger an 'er obnoxious friends on prom night for wearin' god-awful shirts with more ruffles than the underside of Nancy Grace's couch cushions. Then the "plot twist strictly for the sake of havin' a plot twist" happens an pretty well plops it in the ole toilet, but not before Matt beats the crap outta several family members an uncorks a rant so crazy Alex Jones'd be callin' in the guys in white coats, so it ain't all bad.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Aug 11 19:31:40
New Review Up:

Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot (1976) - A crack team of hillbillies infiltrates the domain of the Satch-Man in between assorted pieces of stock footage taken from old Wild America episodes, ridicule of a slightly retarded man, and recreations of grizzled old rubes gettin' the crap kicked out of 'em after sassin' the Squatch. Cept these guys got a state-of-the-art Satchmo-graph that detects the direction from which their imminent deaths're about to come, an they figure they've got what it takes to sink a paralyzer dart into the big man's hairy hinder so they can drive 'im around the south in a horse trailer chargin' $1 a peek.

I think this quote pretty well sums up the situation: "We're goin' campin' and yer gonna watch." - Mike Nelson, Boggy Creek II

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 19 19:46:53
New Review Up:

Blood Beach (1980) - Middle America attempts to beat the heat an winds up becomin' lunch meat when the beach is invaded by a subterranean suck monster that starts pullin' everybody down into the sand like a Top Flite #3 at Pacific Dunes. Fortunately, John Saxon an Paulie from Rocky are on the case, an after a half dozen attractive white folks get turned into creature compost, they get wise an set up the Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World cameras an about 900lbs of dynamite in this burnt out SunPac where the monster vacations durin' the winter. The monster really aughta claim entrapment on this one, but John Saxon's got that look on his face that he's had since about 1973 that says he's about one screwed up McDonald's order from goin' postal, so it's prolly safer to just take its chances with the TNT.

www.nintendementia.com
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 26 19:06:49
New Review Up:

Day of the Animals (1977) - Humanity punches a hole in the ozone layer like a redneck negotiatin' a truck stop bathroom, causin' all the woodland critters' brains to start sizzlin' in their pans, an sendin' 'em into a heat stroke induced rage against a pioneerin' band of Y2K survivalists who're out in the woods learnin' to prepare pine cone kabobs an stink beetle casserole.

Oh, an Leslie Nielsen wrestles a bear to the death.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Sep 04 16:59:05
New Review Up:

Maniac (1934) - Unemployed, off balance lunatic who used to play professional "dress up" an impersonate people who've actually contributed something to society hasta go to work helpin' Dr. Rabbi Gandalfski with his re-animation experiments in an attempt to rebuild his resume. Only when Dr. Caliczari gives the nut a gun an tells 'im to kill 'imself so he'll have somebody to re-animate, the guy kills the doc, takes over his practice, an immediately starts accusin' anybody who comes into his office of fakin' discomfort to get pain pills.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Sep 22 21:33:48
New Review Up:

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972) - Fruity director who looks like somebody smashed a tarantula on his face leads his teen actors guild out to a cemetery to dig up somebody emotionless enough to understudy the Kristen Stewart role for his Twilight stage adaptation. Unfortunately, after they dig up the Herk Harvey zombie from Carnival of Souls an subject 'im to unspeakable degradation, the entire cemetery rises up to exercise their right to undeath with dignity, an next thing you know we got a whole lotta distressed thespians slathered in ghoul drool.

Best zombie flick ever made by the director of A Christmas Story.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Sep 30 21:57:55
New Review Up:

Pet Sematary (1989) - Upstandin' middle class couple buys a farmhouse out beyond the boundaries of the Dominoes delivery route to live the simple life an rough it with Herman Munster. Unfortunately, like so many other promises made by the white man to the Indians, Herman can't keep his mouth shut about what an old Micmac told 'im about a defunct graveyard off the fringes of the couples' new property, an when the family pet gets cream rolled into a batch of putrefyin' catatouille, Herman imparts the secret of the Indian burial ground unto papa an the next thing you know we got demon-possessed felines throwin' dead rats into peoples' bathwater an undead toddlers usin' folks' throats for teethin' ring.

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Sat Oct 01 02:20:22
lol :D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Oct 08 11:38:55
New Review Up:

The Mummy (1932) - Boris Karloff tries datin' outta his caste an ends up bound, gagged, an buried alive in an Ace Bondage suit. Fortunately, some stuffy old Brits with a mummy complex come along an dig 'im up, allowin' 'im to move forward with his pyramid scheme to resurrect his main squeeze an get his hands on 'er Neferteetis. Course, sometimes life just ain't fair, cause by the time he gets himself put back together his babe's been reincarnated an become infatuated with the fool of the Nile, so now he's gotta pharaown all the dinks gettin' in his way before he can get 'er hypnotized an retrained to walk like an Egyptian.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Oct 15 21:17:28
New Review Up:

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) - Fool and the Gang stop off on Earth to turn everybody into Jester's Fried Chicken so they'll have provisions on their way back to Clowndromeda, only as usual the cops don't believe the teenagers about the outer space clowns with the cotton candy catacomb storage hangar an AR Jiffy Pop assault rifles, resultin' in an unrelenting barrage of sight-gag fu.

Basically we got a gang of Harlequentin Tarantinos terrorizin' small town America with killer shadow puppets an napalm pie volleys that turn people into wads of melted ice cream beggin' the question; what would you do for a Klowndike Bar?

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Oct 21 20:04:09
New Review Up:

The Howling (1981) - Dee Wallace gets carted off to The Island of Dr. Snoreau by a poorman's Donald Pleasence to get over the shock of durn near gettin' molested by the doctor from Star Trek: Voyager. Unfortunately her boyfriend ends up gettin' nibbled by this nymphomaniacal Lucy Lawless werewolf woman who teaches 'im how to do it doggy style next to a bonfire without catchin' his furry hide on fire. This don't help Wallace's PTSDee syndrome at all, so she hasta call up 'er coworkers an get 'em to stop by Dick Miller's Occult Gift Shop an buy 'er some silver bullets and an electric shock trainin' collar so she can retake control of 'er life.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Oct 31 22:29:41
New Review Up:

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) - Donald Pleasence returns one last time to answer the proverbial question no one asked; "how come Michael Myers just sits up like one of them inflatable clowns anytime somebody fires 177 rounds into his body?" Turns out some weird Druid voodoo cult who rents out space in the Haddonfield sanitarium boiler room put a hex on 'im that forces 'im to try killin' his family every time some astronomical constellation that coincides precisely with Moustapha Akkad's need for a fourth mortgage on his place in Tehran shows up in the sky. Doesn't that just tie up everything perfectly?

http://nintendementia.com/
Cherub Cow
Member
Tue Nov 01 00:17:53
lol. Not sure I've seen that one, but Myers' powers all make sense now ;D
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Tue Nov 01 19:39:51
They tried to shoehorn a buncha incompatible BS in there in an effort to do something different. And it sucked.

It's the one right before H20, which ignores parts 4 - 6, probably solely due to that crap they pulled in 6.
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Nov 04 22:17:11
New Review Up:

Mutant (1984) - Wings Hauser ends up stranded in Mayberry where a deodorantially challenged fella with a full body perm is dumpin' toxic waste into the water supply in a diabolical plot to kill off everybody who gets their liquid intake outta the sink instead of canned imports from Milwaukee, an increase the per capita demand for country music stations. Unfortunately for the rubes, they dunno Wings, an it's just a matter of time before he finally goes completely apeshit an starts single-handedly fightin' off the klandemic with nothin' but his wits an that set of eyeballs that constantly look like they're about to fly outta their sockets an strangle you to death with their optic nerves.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Nov 12 17:16:38
New Review Up:

Monster from Green Hell (1957) - B-movie NASA fires a rocket fulla critters into space durin' a period in American history where science didn't hafta have any specific purpose, resultin' in a buncha radioactive mutant wasps the size of Hindenburgs terrorizin' the simulated African Savannah of deepest Darkest Los Angeles when the rocket comes down.

Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse with every frame.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 24 12:39:28
New Review Up:

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) - The Space Lord of the Dance commands his flunkies to fly down to Earth in flying sauce pans on strings to resurrect our dead so we'll hafta accept their alternative lifestyles, only there's this radiation shortage goin' on that only allows for the resurrection of like three people, and so His Fabulousness hasta threaten to slash the fishnet stalking budget so his dorks'll get with the program. Unfortunately, in the course of simultaneously bein' P.O.'d about humanity not acceptin' their existence, while panicking about their base of operations bein' discovered, they accidentally leave this 20,000 watt strobe light that's strapped to the hood of their intergalactic pie plate on, an pretty quick they got a buncha Earthlins with guns scratchin' at the back door.

http://nintendementia.com/
The Children
Member
Sun Nov 27 07:16:12
name some classics that i can watch on internet 4 free.

stuff like
jaws, nightmare on elm street, cult movies and shit like blade runner.

HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Dec 08 22:22:50
New Review Up:

Pieces (1982) - Preteen porno puzzle enthusiast chops the head off his mama when she threatens to ignite his jigsaw jugs. 40 years later, the kid grows up to be The Stihler Killer, an proceeds to saw up college co-eds into collectable nieces' pieces in an attempt to kickstart a gritty reboot of Designing Women.

We're talkin' Sexist Chainsaw Massacre, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 16 09:42:55
New Review Up:

An intergalactic Ted Nugent flies down from outer space to fill his rube tags in rural America, only to run afoul of the unbalanced duo of Jack Palance an Martin Landau, who go on the offensive an lay in wait at the alien's huntin' blind for the moment when he finally comes home to catch Letterman.

Basically we got the attack of the flyin' personal pan pizzas from outer space, with the Predator playin' himself before he existed.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 16 09:43:32
-Without Warning (1980)
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Dec 23 16:57:40
New Review Up:

Gremlins (1984) - Corey Feldman spills his vodka tonic on this cute little mutant gerbil thing with Ross Perot ears causin' pulsatin' drain clogs to sprout from its hinder, an next thing you know the new critters pack away a bucket of KFC an metamorphose into gangrenous hemorrhoid monsters that run around a 1950s suburban bedroom community that looks like a Jim Wysocki puzzle. Then they get drunker'n Hillary Clinton's campaign manager on election night, dance around like epileptic yodelers on cocaine, drive a snow plow into Dick Miller's livin' room, an most horrifyin' of all; screen Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at 3 'o clock in the mornin'.

A Christmas classic, check it out every year.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Jan 02 18:04:36
New Review Up:

New Year's Evil (1980) - A pitifully insecure candyassed wuss of a man plots to murder people at midnight in each U.S. timezone on New Year's Eve to sabotage his punk rock Green Day veejay wife's New Year's countdown party by playin' the recordins of his murders over the air an bringin' down the festivities.

I'm gonna go ahead an give the nod to this guy for the coveted Golden Weenie award for the "Most Pathetic Motive" in the history of slasher flicks, cause when you get right down to it, he's P.O.'d about havin' a foxy wife who brings home more money than he does.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jan 05 21:37:19
New Review Up:

Snowbeast (1977) - The Legend of Foggy Peaks goes on the rampage at a Colorado ski resort, turnin' snow bunnies into mutton sammiches an generally makin' it a life threatening experience to spell your name out in pee, until Bo Svenson arrives from the frozen Nordic north to take on His Abominance an spend half the movie mopin' around about nobody likin' his Walking Tall sequels.

Quite possibly the most ear hair raising cinematic experience ever to strike the activity room at Mom and Poop's Senility Acres Retirement Home since Marilyn Monroe's dress got blown up over 'er face in The Seven Year Itch.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 13 19:21:35
New Review Up:

Jason Goes to Hell (1993) - FBI SWAT Beret Seals surround Crystal Lake a la Ruby Ridge an blow Jason into slasher shrapnel.

Only what nobody knew over the past eight movies is that Jason's got a supernatural demon slug inside 'im that makes it impossible for anyone but a fellow Voorhees to kill him, an also his indestructible tumorous enlarged buffalo heart has the power to mind control people an make 'em think it's a juicy Big Mac so they'll start chewin' on it an end up takin' Jason's evil spirit into their own bodies an give him a new temporary lease on life, even though the new bodies he takes over just crap out on 'im like a lung transplant from Beijing, which is why he hasta find the body of a Voorhees woman to regurgitate his mutant mucus mollusk into so he can be reborn an get his body back despite the fact that Betsy Palmer explicitly stated in Part 1 that Jason was her only child, an thus, none of these newly discovered relatives should exist.

And now, as Paul Harvey would say, you know the rest of the story.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jan 20 19:55:46
New Review Up:

The Aftermath (1982) - Three astronauts cruisin' the cosmos in an intergalactic paper football return to the planet after a mission to determine whether or not Earth girls are in fact easy, only to find the place lookin' like downtown Calgary after the Flames lost the Stanley Cup Championship. An in case that wasn't bad enough, in the meantime, mean guy Sid Haig now has dominion over L.A. an a fleet of pickup trucks piloted by redneck banditos who scour the ruins in search of the fabled Skoal cache of Curt Schilling an new female recruits for for their captive breeding program. Thus, it falls to the surviving astronauts to challenge Haigar the Horrible an his fellow cutthroats in a slugfest of playground proportions for control of the rubble.

Those maniacs! They blew it up! AGAIN! Well, they blew something, anyway.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jan 28 20:40:05
New Review Up:

Hide and Go Shriek (1988) - A group of graduatin' high school kids hides out inside a furniture store overnight to perform their own personal renditions of the Bed Spring Symphony an spill cheap beer all over the Vladimir Kagan furniture display, only they dunno about the sado-masochistic Boy George impersonator with a leather sectional sofa fetish lurkin' behind the dinette sets slatherin' like Cujo at a backyard barbecue. Which is bad news for the kids, cause he really does want to hurt them, an he really wants to make them die.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Feb 10 19:02:21
New Review Up:

The Horror at 37,000 Feet (1973) - Chuck "the chin" Connors pilots a plane carryin' Jed Clampett, Captain Kirk, The Professor, an 15 tons of demon possessed sacrificial Druid altar in the cargo hold of a 777. Unfortunately, the spirits are restless, an more'n a little P.O.'d about bein' uprooted an forced to share a plane with a buncha out of work sitcom stars, an it ain't long before we got a headwind from Hell, devil talk over the in-flight headset, an more faded celebrities at each others' throats than a Surreal Life cast reunion special.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 18 11:27:36
New Review Up:

The Boogens (1981) - Hapless tunnel rats attempt to reopen an abandoned silver mine, only to discover that shaft is one bad mother, an completely overrun with gooey subterranean Bulbasaurus Rexes with jalapeno sausage rope tentacles.

Will corporate greed prevail? Will the glopola monsters conquer rural Utah? Can the crew stop the rampaging Nazi poodle from devouring the props? These answers and more await your discovery, so check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Feb 25 12:27:22
New Review Up:

Prehistoric Women (1950) - Angry, oppressed cavebabes from the land that gravity forgot rebel against the patriarchy via literal male bashing to escape the monotony of scrubbin' loin cloths day in an day out. Cept after awhile the old crone starts noticin' everybody cuttin' their hair short an fillin' out loan applications for Jeep Wranglers an decides it's time to snap up some husbands for their captive breedin' program before they turn into a tribe of troglodykes.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Mar 20 20:37:14
New Review Up:

Leprechaun 3 (1995) - The Four Leaf Cleaver returns to life in Las Vegas after bein' stoned an hocked like a two-bit lawn ornament, only to be ripped off once more an forced to slip on his Irish clogs an do the Liverdance all over the torsos of unscrupulous casino folk.

It's the Biting Irish vs. the Sin City Shysters, featurin' Mr. Yucky Charms himself playin' the air guitar with Elvis an electrocutin' fat character actors with hotwired Japanese sex robots. So do Saint Patrick proud an check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Mar 20 20:38:53
New Review Up:

Monster Dog (1984) - Alice Cooper returns to his ancestral home in the Spanish countryside to shoot a music video so he can become famous enough to go on Headbangers Ball an complain about how shallow the music industry is, only to arrive home an discover the Hound of the Baskervillas runnin' loose sans leash, an next thing you know his sound crew's bein' Cujowned by escapees from Michael Vick's K-9 concentration camp.

We're basically talkin' Alice in Blunderland on this one, I'm afraid.

http://nintendementia.com/
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