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Utopia Talk / Movie Talk / Nintendementia Reviews IV
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 24 19:48:10
New Review Up:

Evils of the Night (1985) - Mars needs faded sitcom women, an it's up to John Carradine an his kinky bisexual space alien nurses to find an old age cure before Ginger an The Catwoman succumb to gravity an end up as judges on Star Search. Unfortunately, John's formula requires nubile young blood, an that's the one bodily fluid all the horny community college kids in town prove unwilling to share, so he hasta pay a coupla grease monkeys to boost turnout for his blood drive.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Mar 31 19:39:46
New Review Up:

Welcome to Spring Break (1989) - 742, 628 future fry cooks of America descend on Lauderdale for Spring Break to drum up business for Planned Parenthood an Girls Gone Wild Productions right about the time John Saxon's French fryin' a mean ole biker in the electric chair. This proves regrettable, cause next thing you know another motorpsycho wearin' the red Power Ranger's helmet starts cruisin' the crab shacks an electrocutin' fender fluff on his hotwired Honda, an after awhile we got so many charred corpses on the beach it starts lookin' like somebody started out free passes to the Fourth Reich Tannin' Salon with every Pina Colada purchase.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Mon Apr 10 09:48:48
New Review Up:

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966) - Despite the misleadin' title that completely lacks the presence of The Undertaker, Kane, Stone Cold, The Rock, or even Paul Bearer, we still got a pretty educational documentary on the evils of Libertarianism as told by some Marxist Commienist sympathizer with $20 an a camcorder, as the Griller Killers murder shapely dames with culinary names an turn 'em into Bimburger Helper to serve diners at their greasy spoon.

Basically it's an episode of The Three Stooges as envisioned by Herschell Gordon Lewis, so be forewarned.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Apr 14 19:27:25
New Review Up:

Zombi 2 (1979) - An outbreak of disintegratin' face syndrome strikes the Caribbean like a United Airlines goon removin' a passenger, an it ain't long before we got so many dead guys wrapped in white sheets wanderin' around that they hafta rename the place Klantasy Island. Meanwhile, the crew of the Undeadliest Catch washes ashore lookin' for a missin' scientist, only it's a real bad time for sight-seein,' cause that's about the point where all the natives cast off the shackles of Christianity an itchy clothing an start playin' the drum solo from Wipe Out in the middle of the jungle, causin' a buncha zombie conquistadors to rise from the dead in search of white meat an a skin graft clinic.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Apr 28 19:57:49
New Review Up:

The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972) - Come on in an sit a spell whiles I tell ya about a right queer mystery from the swamps of Southern Arkansas; The Legend of Boggy Creek. Yessir, Deathrow Bodine, that's what folks 'round these parts call 'im. They say he's built like a brick shithouse an reeks like an underground septic tank fire, an that right around sundown's when the ole Boggyman starts lurkin' the outskirts of town tryin' to find somebody he can turn into an arubeula base for his top secret meat salad recipe.

Lord have mercy, we've got one mighty P.O.'d primate on the loose... so getcher guns at the ready an sharpen up them critter traps, cause the Battle of Yettisburg is about to heat up!

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat May 06 11:39:26
New Review Up:

Planet of Dinosaurs (1977) - A spaceship powered by renewable mustache energy crash lands in a rough patch of Jurassic Park where its crew is menaced by the Secretary of Steaks, Tyrannical Rex Killerson, an a host of other prehistoric hoodlums.

It's astronauts vs. dinosaurs in the evolutionary grudge match of the century when laser beams meet saber-teeth in the Pangaean Steel Cage to the death! ...or until the budget runs out, whichever comes first.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 12 22:46:51
New Review Up:

Blood Stalkers (1976) - Coupla couples head down to rural Florida for a little R&R, only the "r's" turn out to be short for "rednecks an resentment," as the punks discover after accidentally invadin' the preferred huntin' spot of the local championship gator rasslin' team who don't take too kindly to Yankee missionaries nosin' around tryin' to recruit 'em into the cult of personal hygiene.

We're basically talkin' Yuppie Etuffee fixins waitin' to happen, so break out your banjos an whittle yourselves some toothpicks, cause we got us a swamp rat jamboree headin' this way, an it's liable to be a barn burner.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 19 19:36:47
New Review Up:

Mutilations (1986) - The Borg assimilate Gamera's race of laser-breathed turtle monsters an crash land in rural Tulsa where they plot to sabotage the American cattle industry by suckin' the guts outta the livestock an turnin' 'em inside out so everyone'll get grossed out an turn vegan. Unfortunately, Knock-Kneed Martian an his underlings never can remember to utilize their superior technology, an when they invade the home of some paranoid ole white hair who thinks they're tryin' to get ahold of his semen to breed a master race of hillbillies, they bite off a little more'n they can chew in the form of a slack-jawed college professor an his gaggle of Remedial Astronomy students.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri May 26 19:44:16
New Review Up:

Tourist Trap (1979) - Chuck Connors fashions his own Valley of the Dolls outta trespassin' freeway tourists an the liberal use of dry wall spackle, unfortunately, Chuck's Laguna Triangle disables the wrong Jeep an he ends up infatuated with this uptight string bean who looks like a vanilla popsicle in heels, only to discover that sometimes you're better off just stickin' with women you can deflate when they get outta line.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Jun 02 21:55:05
New Review Up:

Condemned to Live (1935) - The town doctor transforms from pillar to killer of the community when a stress overload activates the hereditary vampire genes he inherited from his mama after she got bitten by one of Bela Lugosi's extended family members in a cave down in Africa a coupla hours before she squatapulted 'im out of 'er mama parts. This causes 'im to start Hydeperventilatin' an foamin' at the mouth like a hobo watchin' a hot dog carosel at the 7-Eleven an skulkin' around town deplasmafyin' women with skin like Elmer's glue, til the pitchfork posse finally catches on an starts lightin' torches an preparin' to BBQ the MD.

Do be advised that this thing'll make you groggier'n a narcoleptic at an Andy Warhol film festival, so whatever you do, never watch this flick in the presence of Bill Cosby.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jun 17 11:27:04
New Review Up:

The Gate (1987) - Bald-headed midget nudist demons launch an all-out assault on suburban middle-class America when two kids open a portal to Hell in their backyard with the aid of reversed Black Sabbath lyrics. At that point, their choices become: convert to Cthulhucism, or be processed into demon dook at the hands of this big blue guy with more arms than a parade of Hindu deities.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jun 24 11:45:45
New Review Up:

Octaman (1971) - The Mexican P.T. Barnum pays a buncha scientists to help 'im capture the world's angriest Hentai blow-up doll so he can put it on display in his Circ du Ole! travelin' carnival exhibit. Unfortunately, the Octamang has other plans, an when the nerds capture one of its little sushi samplers an start threatenin' to turn it into a squidchillada with extra guacamollusk sauce they end up with one seriously hostile Tentacostal on their hands.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 01 12:40:48
New Review Up:

The Final Terror (1983) - The All-Knowing Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock stalks the woods turnin' trespassers into CSI Forensics Academy final exams an leavin' decapitated heads in the outhouse, bringing whole new meaning to the phrase "goin' to the head."

Honorary recipient of the Nintendementia Award for Most Creative Use of Tin Can Lids in Cinematic History, check it out.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 08 17:54:50
New Review Up:

Planet of the Apes (1968) - Chuck Heston crash lands his intergalactic lawn dart onto a planet governed by a panel of Apiscopalian zealots who declare 'im public enemy #1 of their little banana republic, an order 'im gelded in an attempt to relegate his future actin' career to the Broadway chorus line. Fortunately, a coupla chimp scientists have his scantily clad backside, but when they bust 'im outta solitary an threaten to expose the Apalcy as fallible, the fascists send out their Brass Monkeys to reign in the heresy.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 15 14:02:02
New Review Up:

The Horror of Party Beach (1964) - Academics, college theses, an barroom intellectuals alike have spent 50 years debatin' whether the Horror is indeed the Creature from the Black Lampoon, as the artwork implies, OR - if the Horror actually stems from all the sexually ambiguous pasty white guys out on the White Sands Nipple Testing Range shakin' their hinders like the jowls on a bulldog with his head stickin' out a pickup window at 70mph.

Feel free to contribute your own perspective on this timeless enigma of 1960s Beach cinema, an I'll be sure to mail the eggheads at MIT with any new data that might help crack the case.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Jul 22 20:19:24
New Review Up:

Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) - An oily real estate developer tries bamboozlin' the denizens of an anachronistic wild west town in Nevada into sellin' their land so he can knock everything down an start importin' sin by the truckload. Unfortunately, complications arise when one of the local sheep gets mutated into the Godfather of Foal by these little yellow clouds of yellow smoke bomb smog that start seepin' up through a network of prairie dog tunnels an next thing you know the monster's rampagin' through town like David Lynch's workin' a guest directorial stint on the Shari Lewis & Lambchop Show.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Jul 27 20:27:54
New Review Up:

Oasis of the Zombies (1982) - A platoon of Nazis fightin' in the North African campaign of WWII get their collective Axis handed to 'em an end up reenlistin' post-mortem to keep their plundered European booty outta the hands of unscrupulous Jews who might use it to open up investment brokerage firms in high rise office buildings.

I'm not gonna lie to ya; we're talkin' Indiana Groans in the Temple of Dune with this one.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 04 20:15:12
New Review Up:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - Let's see... what do you need to know about this... well, same basic principle as the original 1974 version, only without style, subtlety, grit, atmosphere, heart, attention to detail, or a minimum amount of effort put forth to recapture the clinical cinematography of 1973 so as to prevent the movie from looking like every other cookie cutter horror film released in 2003.

We're talkin' cash grab city here, an that's *before* you consider the movie stars an actress who, up to that point in her career, was best known for her part on one of the sappiest, lamest, phoniest TV shows in the history of the universe; 7th Heaven.

Do not watch this. Do not buy this. Do not encourage this. But do throw things that generate a powerful stink that're near impossible to wash out of clothing at Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel. Thank you.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 11 20:10:14
New Review Up:

The Power (1984) - The spirit of the Aztec demon Quervocoatyl inhabits a bug-eyed Buddha carvin' from a Mexican Pottery Barn an possesses the bodies of various wimps with self esteem issues, until it gets inside this guy who looks like Pauly Shore an makes his face resemble a wad of pizza dough that got run over by a Sherman tank an forces 'im to shove the hands of chubby tabloid reporters down the garbage disposal for refusin' to lend 'im her Honda Civic.

I'm thinkin' this ain't the same power Huey Lewis and the News were singin' about.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Aug 18 19:24:46
New Review Up:

Creepozoids (1987) - The year is 1998 an "the superpowers" done blowed up the world like a buncha maniacs, leavin' nothin' but scattered bands of survivors an mutants who spend their days wagin' war over who gets the roomy corner booth at the Waffle House. Unfortunately for one of these groups, they've decided to hole up in an abandoned research lab occupied by this Mandible Lecter monster that looks like the Predator romanced a dung beetle, an pretty quick it starts sprayin' disgustin' black carapiss all over people that causes 'em to swell into pulsatin' garden vegetables an spew gallons of Camel '99 brand lung tar all over the mess hall.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Sep 02 13:03:33
New Review Up:

It's Alive (1974) - A suburban housewife's womb transforms into a monster maternity ward an gives birth to a snarlin' ugly Scabbage Patch kid who massacres the hospital staff with an impressive display of newborn fu an escapes the delivery room after gnawin' through its own umbilical cord like a coyote in a leg snare. From here on out Baby Chewy terrorizes Los Angeles with infant impunity until the cops finally put out an APB on it an assign every unit not currently assigned to beatin' the crap outta hippies to track it down an perform an extremely late term abortion.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Fri Sep 08 20:21:17
New Review Up:

Return to Boggy Creek (1977) - Alright, here's the deal see - Kimberly Drummond from Diff'rent Strokes an 'er two little brothers got born on the bayou, an they're livin' a pretty peaceful Wonderful World of Disney-esque existence mercilessly destroyin' the local blowhard fisherman at the fish market on a daily basis with their uncle's top secret Cajun voodoo alligator gar gumbo bait, when all the sudden they run afoul of ole Mr. Chewbaccy who's just mindin' his own business down in Boggy Creek pickin' chiggers outta his hairy buttcrack, which prompts the three of 'em to mount an expedition to follow the trail of Sasqraunch so they can get famous an go on In Search Of to meet Spock.

Starring Dawn Wells as the only castaway still yearnin' to return to Gilligan's Island.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Sep 17 13:04:26
New Review Up:

Eyes Behind the Stars (1978) - Female Muslim extraterrestrial welders fly down from outer space to abduct humans an flash strobe lights in their eyes til they get permanent brain epilepsy while the Men in Slacks run around tryin' to stop a journalist and U.F.O. expert/antique dealer from learnin' the truth about the serious holes in our planetary border security fence.

We're talkin' Eyes Behind the Lids here.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Sep 23 13:11:00
New Review Up:

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) - Mean ole DeWalt Whitman escapes from a mental institution, finds 'imself a drill big enough to function as Amy Winehouse's corkscrew, makes his way to a slumberparty sanctioned by a gaggle of scantily clad co-eds, an proceeds to journey to the center of their girth with the ole Black and Decker. Gets the pizza guy too, right through the eye sockets, but fortunately he takes that "30 minutes or it's free" oath *very* seriously an manages to deliver even after he's already gone to the big Domino's in the sky. Course everyone gets real stuck up about his leakin' creamed cornea all over the shag rug, but that's just part of the job.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Sep 30 13:38:30
New Review Up:

They Live (1988) - Outer space venture capitalists with a serious dermatological problem invade Earth an take control via shrewd financial investments while pumpin' out intellectual anesthetic to keep the population too enamored with the latest episode of The Golden Girls to realize they're bein' hoodwinked. Fortunately, Rowdy Roddy Piper's on our side, an once he discovers a set of X-Ray-bans that allow 'im to see the bigger picture, he an Keith David get hooked up with a resistance movement an start blowin' away yuppy insurance adjusters with automatic weapons.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Oct 14 18:44:36
New Review Up:

Suspiria (1977) - Ilsa: She Wolf of the Sus-Sous rules over a German dance academy where she an 'er staff inject pirouette enhancin' drugs an Occult studies into impressionable young ballerinas. Unfortunately, along comes an American girl who eventually discovers the place was founded by some old crone who struck it rich when a house fell on 'er wealthy sister, an she sets out to impale all the witches on their brooms a la Cannibal Holocaust.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Tue Nov 07 19:52:37
New Review Up:

Hellraiser (1987) - Sadomasochistic demonatrixes in leather bondage gear emerge from a Satanic Rubik's Cube to flay the flesh offa unsuspectin' perverts, only one of these glopola groupies manages to escape from Hell's waitin' room when he's partially resurrected by the blood of his brother, an coerces his sister-in-law into bringin' home pathetic single men with low self esteem an crackin' their skulls with claw hammers so he can absorb their flesh in an effort to pull 'imself together.

Forget Alice in Chains; Doug Bradley's the one true Man in the Box.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Tue Nov 07 19:53:13
New Review Up:

Halloween: H20 (1998) - The H20 stands for heavily watered down, as Michael Myers and the Disney corporation look to make another killing at the expense of Jamie Lee Curtis, who's now runnin' a private school for privileged yuppy teenagers an given birth to Josh Hartnett since last we saw 'er.

Now, I don't mean to sound cynical or anything, but I've noticed a few things with regard to the passage of time: 1) That each of these sequels since Part 5 resembles a Halloween episode of Friends with greater an greater frequency, 2) That with each passin' year Mariska Hargitay an Bruce Jenner look more an more alike, an 3) I don't want none of 'em on my TV set unless it's Mariska in Ghoulies.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Tue Nov 07 19:53:52
New Review Up:

Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957) - It's gonna take more'n the crew of the Deadliest Catch to save the day when Decapod Crane leads an army of giant, nuclear sand crabs in a clawed revolt against a buncha nosy scientists who show up to examine the wildlife in search of a good reason not to just start lobbin' nukes anytime somebody rustles our jimmies. Unfortunately, evolution throws 'em a major curve ball when they discover ole Mr. Krabbs is actually absorbin' the consciousness of everybody he eats so their hearts can go on like Celine Dion, all the while the whole damned island is bein' blasted into dust by Eel Team Six an their atomic antennae, an it's up to The Professor from Gilligan's Island to figure out a way to outsmart Exoskeletor before they all get turned into Krabby Patties.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Nov 19 12:02:45
New Review Up:

It Happened at Nightmare Inn (1972) - At the Hotel Can'taffordya in Spain, two Cleavangelical Christians pass judgement on their guests an hack anybody theologically to the left of Fred Phelps into Picasso people. Unfortunately, after they've already turned a British photographer into key Limey pie, her sister shows up lookin' for 'er an eventually discovers the reason all the men folk in town Don Juant anything to do with the sisters.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Thu Nov 23 12:53:37
New Review Up:

Blood Freak (1972) - Coupla lab assistants tryin' to reverse engineer The Colonel's 11 original herbs an spices on a poultry farm shoot a little too much turkey hormone into their latest test samples an accidentally turn the farm hand into Fran Turkeynton. As if that ain't bad enough, this greasy-faced cosmetic nightmare of a woman's gotten the guy hooked on Arkansas Polio Weed an all but ensured he'll face transspecies discrimination in the workplace for life even if he manages to avoid arrest for tearin' the throats outta junkies to get a contact high off their plasma.

Will President Nixon issue Joseph Gobbles a Thanksgiving Day pardon? Will his hinder end up stuffed by somethin' even worse than Stovetop in free-range poultry prison? Will his free-love girlfriend still wanna do the funky chicken? Discover the answers to these an other asinine questions in this; the greatest Pro-Jesus/Reefer Madness/Mutant Man-Turkey flick of 1972.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sun Dec 03 18:35:25
New Review Up:

Blood Tracks (1985) - Cannibal hillbillies livin' in the mountains of rural Sweden attack a Hair Metal band on the slopes of Borkjiord an it's up to the guitarist from Europe an his leather pant clad, Aqua Velva soaked band of ozone layer depletin' fashion nightmares to put an end to Sammy Hagar the Horrible an his family of Sasquatters camped out inside an abandoned factory.

One last word of warning though: The Hills Have Eyeliner.

http://nintendementia.com/
HH Evenflow
Moderator
Sat Dec 16 19:14:44
New Review Up:

Deathstalker (1983) - Conan the Blondhairian must collect the grand prizes from the Atari Swordquest tournament before they fall into the twisted clutches of the drummer from Cradle of Filth; Munkar the Magnificent. But first he's gotta rescue this Muppet Man who looks like Yoda after the Bubonic Plague an team up with a David Cassidy lookalike in a chain mail belly shirt an a lady who sword fights with unchained mammaries.

It's basically The Wizard of Oz, only everybody wants to pike the Wizard through the pancreas.

http://nintendementia.com/
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