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Utopia Talk / Politics / A Moment of Clarity
Thu Oct 17 18:53:04
This is a rather personal post I decided to share here.

This track by Death - "A Moment of Clarity", is a one I related to, especially now. The album is titled "Sound of Perseverance", and it shows, as it is very powerful, very succinct and very accurate.

I left home.
I left behind a woman, 2 immensely lovable dogs, and a cat. I left an amazing woman who loved me very much, and who brought me from the bottom to a very good place in life.
But I left home.

We've been together for 8 long years. She and I are both kind of eccentric, loners, and outsiders. We have very few, but good friends, and our relationship has been unique in its strength. Nothing mediocre about it.

But it has been strained, for a very long time. Mainly because of me. I am a cunt, and an asshole, although I am very nice, very good, and caring. I do not know how to actually show it, how to make her know I care and love. All the burden of it continually falls on her. As if often the case with males, you know the feeling, right? But I am a bit worse than most in this regard. I don't only forget her birthday - I promise I will make up for it and forget yet again, promising not too - while knowing I will forget (just as one example).

We had more than a few fights over the last couple of years. She tried everything to change me for the better, from working with me, to yelling at me, and even "punishing" me as you would punish a child for not cleaning his room.

At one point, after some fight about this or that - she told me to commit suicide. Not with actual intent, but in the manner of "well fuck you then", but the imagery she used to make that, resonated with me. It made me quite literally, hate her.

A month after I left 6 months ago, we decided to try again. This time, when I'm out of the house, on my own, we would start "dating" all over again. We have been going at it for 5 months. During which time I made a tremendous amount of effort to make things right again. I was charming, I was assertive, I took her out, I made sure to show I care, and not do the things I used to do, and I succeeded, to a degree. I even took us to couple therapy which was very positive.
However, when each fuck up, all hell broke loose. The worst part was a vacation abroad (tickets to see Tool in Prague we had bought a year in advance, so we had to go). We had 3 great days, and 3 days that seemed to have come from the deepest pits of hell itself.
There is a lot of various psychological issues here, for both of us. We both love each other to death, but we have made this wine sour.
Eventually, 2 weeks ago, after a great night, following a great week, we sat together on the sofa in the late hours of night after a night out, and we just sat there. I was honestly very content, and happy. She then asked "why aren't you talking to me?" - the silence was the exact opposite to her than it was for me. It was then when I realized that it cannot continue. That we've slipped into two strange universes with nothing in common. After several more really nice days I announced that this is it, the actual end. Followed by an angry exchange of texts, and a last, calm exchange. These texts were revealing. These texts, as well as conversations we had over this period, and in the therapy sessions, showed me how all the change I made was only superficial and not actual change. How timid I am of change. It showed how her demands of change are unrealistic, unnecessary and selfish, and changes on her part were not seriously pursued either. And show how uncaring and unloving I was, in terms of acts and not of thought.

I had a tough time making my mind up, and coming to this decision.

I had a fear that I am doing my life's biggest mistake, and I was sure I could never find anyone as good as her, as I am not worthy of anyone even half as good as her.

But I will persevere. And this moment of clarity is ever more clear now.

I started dating in earnest. This I think is the best way to move on. Better than to just wallow in my own shit at home. Had around 2 girls I dated until now, and I just came back from a really great first date with a 3rd (saw Joker together... I could really feel this guy's pain). This one night feels more alive than my entire relationship had for several years...
Thu Oct 17 21:22:23
Read up until the words 'related to'.

Tl;Dr read version is asgards a faggot
smart dude
Fri Oct 18 00:58:04
Yeah, I don't want to be a dick but sometimes you need someone to say "hey dude, that's pretty gay."

Sounds like you are doing pretty well with all the new babes in your life. Seems like you like the third one well enough, so just pound her a few times and see if it works out. And forget about the dogs and cat, just buy new ones. Life goes on.
Fri Oct 18 03:02:58
You are probably figuring this out, or more likely knew it but figured what the fuck anyway.

This really is not a good place for a moment of clarity.
Fri Oct 18 03:21:08
Ah, I remember, she was trying to change your essence. Listen my friend, you need to find someone who is your kind of fucked up, she despite how great she was, was not. Just be fair, you may not enjoy your kind of fucked up being mirrored back.
Wrath of Orion
Fri Oct 18 07:57:33
Well, that explains a lot.
Fri Oct 18 08:46:18
”I am a cunt, and an asshole, although I am very nice, very good, and caring. I do not know how to actually show it, how to make her know I care and love.”

Have you tried to give her chocolate?

”I don't only forget her birthday - I promise I will make up for it and forget yet again, promising not too - while knowing I will forget”

Yeah, this is bad. Promising something and then forgetting about it, and then if this trait is repeating over and over.

You are not alone though. A lot of people forgets what they promise.

I would have taken the cat though.
Fri Oct 18 13:22:07
Of course Paramount would be a cat lady.

Anyway Asgard, she sounds like she was a good woman for you, but if the relationship is completely severed it's good that you seem to be able to move on. If nothing else, hopefully you can use the experience by analyzing what you did wrong and making serious steps to improve yourself on those fronts.

Also, "death metal that I can relate to" is for emo fags. You're a fucking man, grow up and listen to some country or blues music instead.

Fri Oct 18 13:51:11
I got a lot into "Southern Gothic" as of late.
Handsome Family, Low, Chelsea Wolf. Good stuff.

She was good, but she was bad. I felt optimism when I left and it faded when we dated again. I feel it again now that I left again. Strange and fucked up.
large member
Fri Oct 18 15:13:55
Don't. post. stuff. like. this. here. ever.
Fri Oct 18 17:42:55
Tl:Dr version of thread since my last post is you're all fags
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